so much for wishful thinking....

I am now one week past when the app says my period should be here. Two things that I do have though: a negative pregnancy and a UTI! Woohoo!....not. So now I basically sit and wait for my period to show up- so I can start my next cycle with some ovulation tests. Nathan thinks I should still hold off another couple months before I see a doctor. It's been 735 days since I created this blog. I have watched so many hopeful due dates and conception dates come and go... it's super discouraging.I know it's going to happen eventually, but goodness, it feels like it is taking forever!


On a brighter note, we a got text on Saturday from Marvin informing us that they are expecting in October AND I didn't cry! (That's probably because I bawled my eyes out the night before.) There's a handful of couples that I know that got married around the same time or after we did that are already expecting baby #2. I know it's ridiculous of me to say this- but it seems so unfair. I'm not saying that their families don't deserve those blessings or that everyone needs to stop growing tiny humans because I haven't been able to yet- it's just UGH! I want it so bad! And it seems like everyone else around me already has it or is getting it except me. And what's worse is that I feel like this blog has gone from hopeful and excited to disappointing and just plain depressing. Hopefully some good news will come around soon.

can it be?

After my last period I downloaded a cycle tracker app onto Nathan's phone and guess what... My period came right when the phone calculated it to! It looks like I might be on my way to a regular cycle! If I am- then we may have gotten a good try in February after all! We shall see! If Aunt Flow hasn't shown up by our anniversary- I'm gonna take a test (what a cool present that would be!) and if the test is negative, Imma buy me some ovulation tests and schedule an appointment with the doc.

hopeful or desperate?

I started my period yesterday. It was so light at first I got this flicker of hope that maybe it was implantation spotting then as I was wondering if it was even possible, I realized that I was kind of acting like a crazy person. I knew it was my period- but I so desperately want to be pregnant. So anyway, I went back and looked at the calendar and my cycle was exactly 1 week longer than my last cycle- which still makes it really difficult to plan.

I already know that I going to be super stressed pretty much the entire month of February and with my luck I will probably be ovulating every single day that I am planning to be out of town with my sister in California. So my hopes aren't up super high for this coming cycle. But that's kind of ok- because that would give the Lunt's ANOTHER November birthday. I'd prefer not to have a November baby- that month is too crowded.

The following cycle is getting serious though. Whether Nathan likes it or not- I am going to be that lady that takes an ovulation test every morning. Obviously our conventional methods are not working. It's looking quite possible that I will be celebrating our third anniversary with an empty womb- which from the beginning I expected- but only because I thought we would have had a baby by now! I can't believe we are going to be starting our 4th year together childless. It kinda makes me want to cry. AND I should probably get used to the fact that I am probably not even going to be having a baby in my arms by the end of the year... I guess December might still be possible but... I dunno.

Ok, this is conversation is getting depressing now, better go get ready for work.

sometimes this hard

So, we are "trying" really hard this month. Usually I am optimistic, but for some reason I woke up this morning feeling hopeless. Some days I just feel like I am never going to be able to experience getting pregnant. I wish it all could just be easy for us, like it seems to be for so many other people. There are people that don't even want it or don't truly appreciate the blessing that are able- why not me? I know there are fertility specialists and adoption-- but I really, really don't want to go that route. And you probably think I am a crazy person for even thinking about all this before I even know if our trying is going to amount to anything this month- but I can't help it! Any spare moment my brain has is baby focused. I just want us to be a little family so bad! It makes my heart ache.

Speaking of heartache, Marvin & Sarah found out that they miscarried. When I found out they were pregnant, my heart broke for me- but when I found out they lost the baby my heart absolutely broke for her. I am sure she is feeling as bad as I am feeling- times ten! I just don't know how I will cope if I finally find out I am pregnant and then I miscarry. At least Sarah has precious little Marley to help boost her spirits a bit. I had lunch with Virginia and Marley the other day and I couldn't believe happy and smiley Marley was the whole time! No fits or crying- just grins and giggles. So cute.

Well, I just needed to get all that out in the open. We really want our pregnancy to be surprise, but sometimes it's hard and I just want to talk to someone. It drives me insane when people think that we haven't had a baby yet because we don't feel like it or don't want to or whatever. And when people ask us when it's going to happen I want to yell at them to mind their own damn business! But I can't do that- because they all mean well and I know they are just as anxious to see it happen as I am. They don't know all the struggle going on behind the scenes.

Ok- off to do the million things I need to do now.

another update

I started my period the day after my last post, so naturally about a week after we started trying for a couple weeks. I was pretty sure I was pregnant. I was constantly nauseous, my boobs were so sore, I was exhausted, and so on and so forth- but after 2 negative pregnancy test, I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't.

The next day (yesterday) was Thanksgiving. I was in the kitchen making my first ever homemade mashed potatoes to take to Nathan's parent's house for dinner, when Nathan got a phone call. He took it in the other room, but I couldn't help but over hear. When the call was over he came down the hall and said "Tarin, you're gonna cry..." but it was too late. I had heard him say "Congratulations" and "When is she due?" and the tears were already streaming down my face. Yup, Marvin and Sarah have baby #2 on the way and I am still struggling to even get one. I cried for a good 20 minutes straight and then did my best to not burst into tears the rest of the night- but it was a really hard day. I had a hard time even looking at Marvin or Sarah and any mention of the new little one just felt like my insides were being ripped apart.

Today, while I was out Black Friday shopping, I got my period. Bad news because the reality hit me even more that I am STILL not pregnant, but good news because it's only been 38 days since the first day of my last period. That's way better than like 70! So we will just try again. Maybe we will get lucky and see a positive test before the end of the year.

quick update

#1: Still not pregnant. My cycle is all spastic still. If my period or a positive pregnancy test doesn't show up by 11-11 than I am going to the doctor to find out what's up and see if I can get this ball rolling!

#2: Nathan is a baby lover all of a sudden. While I was in California with my aunts, I got a text from him telling me how cute our niece was being. AND on Sunday, we were at his cousin's mission farewell and he played telephone, asking for the baby to passed down our way because I wanted to hold her. LIES! HEEEEEE wanted to hold her and play with her. He loves making faces at her and stuff. It's really cute.

#3: I stayed home sick from work today and while I was home I did some cleaning and daily housework stuff and I LOVED IT! I think being a stay at home mom is going to be awesome. All of our debt (except the house and my student loan) will be paid off by June of next year- so when we finally have a baby I can quit my job and stay at home full time. I can't wait!

plans changed again...

We aren't waiting til November. We are trying NOW! We have actually been trying for a couple weeks- we figure- why wait? I am so ready to start our family it ridiculous- and I am ridiculously excited about the possibility. I can't wait to be a little family! Now hopefully my body will cooperate- I doing my best to think positively and not stress about it- I am just so anxious! I want it right now! but I will try to be patient.

....but it's so hard! ACK! I'M SO EXCITED!