funk

So I am stuck in this funk that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I know everything will be fine and I know I am fine... I just feel broken right now.

omg, i'm a mess....

Ok, here's the surprise of the century (not...)

Yes, as I initially anticipated, I am still not pregnant. This test wasn't a shocker- it didn't make me cry. I totally expected this result. I mean, yeah, it's always disappointing, but my hopes weren't up too high, and I was ok with things.

Quick side note: I forgot how absolutely fantastic the clear blue digital pregnancy tests are! I am really going to consider getting the digital ovulation tests. I like the results clearly spelled out for me, rather than interpreting the lines.

Ok, back to the story- I had taken this test first thing in the morning on Friday, right before I drove Nathan to work. I came home, saw the results, shrugged it off, and started packing for camping. I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend up in the pines with the Lunt side of the family. And for the most part that's what it was. We were having a wonderful time hanging out, playing games, hiking, just enjoying each other's company and things were going just great until my uterus once again decided to mess things up. My period showed up a little sooner than I expected on Saturday afternoon. At dinner on Saturday night, I asked Virginia if I could have a couple of her Aleve after dinner. Amy asked if I still had a headache from the night before, and I said, "No, the headache is gone. Now it's just cramps." Little did I know, this simple phrase would through me into my biggest infertility break down thus far. This is what I remember from the moments after my declaration of cramps....

Robert said, "Well, Nathan, it looks like you failed this month. Better try again next month..." followed by some other babbling that I tuned out since I was now trying not to cry. Marvin made some comments about how it's our turn, and we need to be the ones chasing our kids around the campsite (like he and Sarah had been doing all weekend.) Someone asked when we were going to have kids or something, or maybe Nathan just decided to chime in on his own- I don't know, I was just trying really hard to keep it together, but Nathan said "We will have kids when are ready." Other people said some other stuff, and Nathan said again "When we are both ready to have kids we will have kids." I knew I was going to lose it soon so I nudged Nathan and said, "Please, stop saying that." I drives me crazy when he use the excuse that we will have kids when we are ready because we have been ready for a while now. I am so beyond ready for it to happen that it's not even funny. Then Nathan's mom said something along the lines of "Well if we went by what you told us before the baby would have been here by now!" And there it was- the straw that broke the camel's back.

I held it together for like maybe two more minutes after that and then had to excuse myself from the dinner table. I went to the tent and just started bawling. Nathan came in a few minutes later and just sat down next to me on the air mattress and held me and let me cry for little while. He asked me if it was something that he had said that made me cry, and I told him no. It wasn't necessarily anything that one person said, and I really couldn't be too upset with any of them, because we haven't shared this part of our life with them thus far. I was just overwhelmed by the reminders from everyone of how procreationally challenged I seem to be. As if my uterus trying to claw it's way out of my body wasn't reminder enough at the time. I can't even explain the exact emotion behind it all... I guess the closest thing I can think of, is just total heartbreak. I didn't want to leave the tent, I just wanted to stay there and cry all night long- even now thinking about it all, I just want to cry. I knew I had to pull it together, and put on a brave face and go back out for some more family togetherness.

Nathan stayed in the tent with me while I calmed down and waited for the redness to leave my eyes. He told me that after I left the table that his mom asked if I had been having a hard time getting pregnant. He told her no. Which kind of made me want to cry even more. I told him that part of me just wants to tell everyone- but how do you bring something like that up? And who do you tell? Everyone? Just the girls? Just his parents? Then he mentioned that his mom was going to be mad at him for lying to her which just stressed me out even more.

Anyway, we came out of the tent and Virginia apologized if something she said made me cry and that she didn't mean to and she said that Nathan said that we weren't having a hard time getting pregnant, but that she knows that sometimes men are clueless. I just told her that I was fine and tried not to cry more. The next couple hours it just took everything I had not to start crying again.

I wish I could say that that there wasn't anymore talk about us having kids or getting pregnant the rest of the trip, but there was. I handled it better than I did at dinner though. I really need to develop a thicker skin if we aren't going to be telling people about our infertility struggles.

I keep going back and forth in my head deciding whether or not to be more public about the whole thing- so I did what I usually do when I have a question....I googled it!

I read a whole bunch of forum posts about it and it was pretty evenly split between people who shared their struggles with family, people who didn't, and people who did that wished that they hadn't. So, basically, it was no help. I think we are going to continue to just work through it together. I don't want to have to explain my fertility treatments to everyone. I don't want to explain all the causes. And I don't want them to get their hopes up either. Who knows which fertility treatments, if any, are going to work. I'd much rather dance around the question of when then juggle the which, what, why, how questions.

Anyway, my brain has just been a jumbled mess since dinner last night. I cried and prayed myself to sleep last night. I cry and pray because that's all I really can do. This is something that I can't control and it drives me absolutely crazy! I just want to find a fix for it, and be normal and make babies like everyone else in the family!

Here are some pins from my infertility board on pinterest that may give you a better idea of where I am at mentall and emotionally right now, at this moment:

To conclude this post- I have an announcement- I am skipping my next round of Clomid. I am going to go one cycle without it and I going to focus on the one thing that I can control about my body. My weight. I also want to say, that I really do not think that this is a contributing factor in my infertility- though it often is in a lot of cases. I have really been thinking back through my life and I have never had a regular cycle- which means it's quite possible that I have had ovulation problems all along. Also, my periods have always been pretty short, and relatively light- I'm not typically a heavy bleeder- which makes me wonder if my uterine lining is even thick enough or whatever for implantation (a question that I am going to bring up with my OBGYN on my next appointment.) But anyway- for my own sanity I need to feel in control of my body for a while, and I don't want to be dieting and exercising like crazy while trying to conceive. I don't think that's a healthy idea for a baby. So I've talked to Nathan about it, and decided that I am going one cycle without the Clomid, trying to lose 10-15 lbs and then start it up again after my next period. And yes, the way my body works, it may be 2 to 3 months before my next cycle, but I have decided that I am ok with that.

So....that's where I am at with things right now.

cravings

So I'm once again playing the waiting game and wondering...It's still a couple more days before I can take a pregnancy test. We got in a pretty good try this month, despite our vacation taking up one of my peak fertility days.  However, I don't think I'm knocked up. BUT....I won't know for sure until a pee stick tells me I am or I start bleeding.

Signs that I might be: my boobs hurt like crazy bad! This is also of a premenstrual symptom for me though- so- I cannot read too much into it. I felt a little queezy the past the couple days- but there is a bit of stomach bug going around my office, so I'm not convinced that it has anything to do with pregnancy. And finally- I have been experiencing the weirdest, most intense cravings lately! This is the only symptom that I cannot explain. The other day I had the strongest craving for a tuna fish salad sandwich. If you know me at all- you know I HATE fish- especially tuna. I used to eat it as a small child, but literally cannot even begin to guess at the last time I ate it. I used to make my sisters make their tuna sandwiches out in the garage because the smell makes me gag- so obviously this craving caught me really off guard. And it wasn't like I was super hungry at the time either- it was at like 9:30 in the morning! Weird. Then the other night while we were laying in bed, watching TV, I got a really intense craving for Velveeta/Salsa dip and today, out of nowhere, I had a serious urge to like chug down some taco sauce. I didn't have a craving for a taco or any sort of Mexican food- just straight taco sauce.

So yeah, that's been a little weird...but honestly, I still don't think that I am pregnant. I didn't have any implantation bleeding or any sort of cramping or sensation in my uterus. I haven't really had any real nausea or thrown up. I'm pretty certain that when I take the pregnancy test before we leave for camping on Friday that it's gonna be negative. My hopes aren't really up at all this time around...maybe I am just more resigned and cynical this time around.

On a more hopeful note- I have started going to the gym with my mom in the mornings- in an honest effort to really lose some weight and get fit- since I know that weight can significantly contribute to infertility. And I am willing to anything I need to do to have child. So if I need to wake up at 5:30 every morning and eat salads for lunch- I'll do it in a heartbeat!

aren't you supposed to be a doctor?

So, I went to the doctor yesterday- super irritated; I hate paying $25 for an office visit when I already know what's wrong with me. Why can't they just call in an antibiotic for a UTI over the phone?! Ugh. Anyway, so after they had me pee in the cup, which confirmed my diagnosis,  the doctor...well, "physician's assistant," started asking me questions to decide which antibiotic to me on.

P.A.: So what birth control are you on?....What are you doing to prevent pregnancy?
In my head: Um, I know what birth control means....
Me: Nothing, I have actually been trying to get pregnant for quite a while now. I am on Clomid.

P.A.: Oh, so was your last period normal? When was it?
Me, trying to remember what day it was: Yeah, it was normal. I think like 11 or 12 days ago.

P.A.: So you could be pregnant right now then?
Me: No, I don't think so- based on my previous cycle, I am not due to ovulate for til Thursday or Friday.

P.A. with a huge smile on her face: I am going to run a pregnancy test anyway. UTI are very common in the first trimester.
In my head: Aren't you supposed to be a doctor? I mean, I know you aren't a "doctor" doctor, but you have had enough medical training to see and diagnose patients....I just told you my last period was normal. I told you I was due to ovulate yet. AND I told you the start of my period was only 11-12 days ago. Even if I had conceived in the past few days- it would be way too early to show up on a pee test! Moron.

5 minutes later...

P.A.: Well, the pregnancy test back negative...
In my head: Duh.
P.A.: ...I faxed your prescription for your UTI to your pharmacy, you should be able to pick up in an hour or so.
Me: Ok. Thanks.
In my head: Thanks for nothing! You didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know!

Next time I schedule an appointment with my primary care physician, I will make double sure it's not with this P.A.- she will now forever irritate me.

clomid round two *ding!

A scene from the bedroom of Tarin and Nathan sometime last week...

Tarin: I am going to go to bathroom...
-Tarin goes into the bathroom, shuts the door. Nathan hears rustling and bustling coming from the bathroom.
Nathan: What are you doing in there?
-Silence.
Nathan: Tarin? What are you doing?
Tarin: ...Taking a pregnancy test.
Nathan: No.
Tarin: Too late, I'm already doing it.
Nathan: Don't do it- you are just going to cry.
Tarin: I am not going to cry- I just want to know.
-The tests comes up negative. Tarin gets back in bed and watches tv with Nathan until he falls asleep. Tarin cries to herself as quietly possible- doesn't want Nathan to know he was right.


I did eventually tell him he was right, and that I had cried. And my period showed up a day or so later- which is good because I was beginning to get really confused. I didn't understand how I could have ovulated but had a negative pregnancy test and no period. I googled it, which was a bad thing to do, because I found a post from someone who said they always had all the signs of ovulation, but never actually ovulated, so her period wouldn't come. I just don't think I could handle that!

But anyway, menstruation has come and gone and I am on to round two of the Clomid. I am taking it in the evenings this time, to see if that helps to keep the side effects under control- a couple of posts I read online said it helped other people not be so crazy...We shall see!

Now it's time for Good News/Bad News!

Bad news first, so we can end on a happy note. Bad news: It looks as if my peak fertility days are going to happen while we are in California with Nathan's siblings for our Six Flags trip! Naturally, we are going to be sharing a hotel room....Boooooooooo! We'll still probably try before we leave and right after we get back. If not, there is always June! I have one more refill on my Clomid after this one- then I guess I have to go see my doctor again.

Good news: Marvin and Sarah had their gender ultrasound yesterday- They are having another little girl! That will be so fun for Marley. Sisters are the best! They are going to name her Paisley- no word on a middle name yet. She's due October 10th! Woohoo!

baby brain

Kinda creepy looking- but this is TOTALLY how I feel these days. My baby brain seems be getting worse and worse and worse. It's all I can think about! Evidence of this: the number of posts on this blog vs. the number of posts on my public blog...

 I did finally ovulate- so there is a possibility that I could be pregnant- right now. In fact, I could take a test that would tell me for sure one way or the other- but I can't bring myself to do it yet. If I am not pregnant- my period should up any day now- so I will probably give it until Friday and if there have been no signs of aunt flow- I'll buy a test.

I think that knowing that I have ovulated, and knowing that pregnancy is actually a possibility now, just makes the baby brain even worse. I really have been trying not to get my hopes up, but honestly, I have reached a point where I feel like I have to get my hopes up, because if I don't I feel completely hopeless. So the past week or so, I have been going back and forth from being super hopeful and absolutely hopeless.

When I am on a hopeful kick- I daydream about how I will break the news to Nathan, how we will tell the family, possible due date, what we will do if we have twins (since multiple births is a "side effect" of Clomid,") transitioning the craft room to a nursery, baby names, maternity clothes, etc. etc.

Hopeless days... feeling like I want to cry all the time. Not wanting to be around any kids or babies or hear anyone talk about their kids or babies. Sitting in Relief Society yesterday, seemed like a strange new form of torture, listening to all the babies cooing and crying. The mere mention of motherhood made me feel like bursting into tears- which I finally just did- I took a much needed time-out in a bathroom stall and just bawled for a few minutes. And I just have to say, that Yes, I do realize that this makes me seem like an absolutely crazy, overly dramatic, hormonal weirdo- but honestly, so days are really a struggle. It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it... but it's like having your heart broken month after month- and after a while, it seems like the broken heart is never going to heal- that it's just going to hurt forever. And no one can see the pain and you hide the sadness the best you can-but it's there every second of every day. Depressing, right?!

So since I have good days and bad days, I keep going back and forth in my mind on whether or not these are pregnancy symptoms or just PMS. The days until my period is supposed arrive seem to crawl by. Actually, now that I think about it- this entire month has seemed to go by so slow. It's really difficult to have patience. Anyway- there will be another post by the end of the week whichever direction things happen to go. That's all I have to say for now.

118 weeks

Thanks to the "Ages and Stages" emails that I somehow accidentally signed up for the first time we "tried" (I think I was trying to figure out a due date, or some pregnancy time line) I now know that it's been 118 weeks since my first negative pregnancy test heart break. Thanks American Baby! .... oh, and I am on day 15 of my cycle and haven't ovulated yet. The Clomid may not be working. Inside my mind today sucks!! Ugh.