information

As I have been going through all this, I keep finding myself wanting information. I want to know why this is happening to me and what I can do about it. Unfortunately, because there are many different causes of infertility, I need to get the "why" answers from a doctor- and until I know "why" it's pretty hard to research exactly what to do to improve my situation.

I was randomly searching on Amazon today for free books for my Kindle app and decided to see what was available on Kindle regarding fertility. There were some books that I recognized from other research (but they weren't free!) and then some other really bizarre ones! Honestly, it's really frightening to me how much false and misleading information there is out there on this topic. And I am sure there are people there, desperate to conceive that just take it all in. My thought is- if it was a fool proof solution- there would be a lot more information about it.  While I believe that diet/nutrition, fitness, and faith are all huge contributors to boosting fertility- I do not believe that there is a baby making diet, or exercise routine- or that I can pray or meditate a baby into my belly.

So- what I am most looking forward to in the coming months- either getting pregnant (the preferred option) OR going back to the doctor to get some more in depth answers and advice. Heaven knows that as soon as I know exactly what's going on- I'll be all over getting information and advice to treat it.

jumbled

It's really hard to explain how I have been feeling lately. It's strange how infertility thoughts have just flooded my mind since I got an official diagnosis. I cannot go a single day without thinking about it or being reminded of it in some way. It's always floating around in head and it's really depressing. Some days are good I can look at our situation with hope and with faith and I can discuss it rationally- other days I feel broken and defective.

Yesterday I had a lovely 3 HOUR breakfast with my two sisters in law, Sarah and Amy. I figured kids and pregnancy would be brought up at some point- Marvin and Sarah have one little girl with another on the way, and Amy and Robert have 4 kids- its no secret that everyone on the Lunt side are anxious for Nathan and I to add another cousin to the ranks. Also I kinda assumed my little breakdown from our family camping trip might be mentioned. Naturally my assumptions were correct. I had said at some point during the meal that Nathan and I had figured out that if we got pregnant sometime in the next year that our kid would be starting school the same year that Amy's son, Garrett, would be starting his senior year. So later on Amy referred back to that statement asking "So are you guys gonna try for this year?"

At that point I had a decision to make- I could just say something like "Yeah, maybe" or "We're thinking about it" but I had talked Nathan a few days before about how I didn't want to lie about it anymore. I told him that I didn't think we needed to announce it on our blog or discuss it over fourth Sunday family dinner-- but if someone asked me directly that I was just going to be straight with them.

Nervously, I hesitated for a moment and then I said "We've actually been trying for a while now... Like a year/ year and a half." They had both kinda figured it out after what happened while we were camping, and because I had mentioned being on medicine that made me act hormonal crazy, and Amy had noticed my infertility pin board on pinterest. I explained to them the diagnosis and what we are doing and what some other options will be if it doesn't work. I cried a little bit but mostly was able to keep it together. One thing that I thought was a little funny- Amy thought that since Nathan had always talked about how much he didn't like kids, that he was keeping from having babies. I assured her that was not the case. I let them know that Nathan has been really supportive and that I have felt closer to him in the past few months than ever before.

I'm not sure that I have mentioned that much on this blog- I usually just write when I need to vent- I don't post too much of the happier stuff- indeed to get better about that. Nathan really has been amazing through all this. Especially considering that I knew that he wasn't really excited about having kids when we first got married. He seems to understand me better than anyone else. He is often surprisingly compassionate and is always there as a shoulder to cry on. I really couldn't ask for anything more in a husband. He's the greatest. He has had so much patience with me- I'm so thankful to have him in my life.

Yesterday was Father's Day and I had a lot tougher time with it than I thought I would. I thought I would be fine going to church- but all the talks mentioning the privileges of parenthood and people talking about how great their dads are made me gloomy. I still thought I would make it through ok until the adorable little baby sitting in front of us yawned a huge baby yawn that made Nathan chuckle. I looked at him and he just said "Big yawn" with a smile on his face and for some reason tears just started pouring down my face. I had all these horrible thoughts pour through my mind and felt awful that I might not be able to give him a sweet little baby with big adorable yawns. I love seeing his face light up when we are little ones that do cute things- I know that one day he'll be a great daddy, one way or another. I just couldn't handle all my emotions during sacrament meeting.

Nathan just put his arm around me and pulled me close to him and just let me cry. He took me home after sacrament meeting so I could pull myself together and then went back for priest quorum. As we were driving home he asked if the newborn baby in front of us was making me sad and I just replied with a simple no. What he asked next surprised me- "Did you want to hold him? You should have asked to hold him." I did want to hold the little baby- so bad. Which is weird for me- lately I don't want much to do with kids, especially babies. But I am pretty sure the baby's mom, who is a complete stranger, would think I was an absolute weirdo and decline my request. I just has this crazy intense longing to hold an infant in my arms at that moment.

I was then in a weird mood for the rest the day. I don't want to say depressed because it wasn't really depression... I was just...off. Today I have almost cried a couple times for no reason. I have never been a big crier- so the past year has been strange because I have been crying A LOT.

Anyway... That's all for now.

food baby

I ate WAY too much salad! My tummy is filled with vegetables... Not babies....

But that's ok. Today is the first day I am really startin to feel like myself again. I will happily have a salad baby if it means getting me a real baby one day.

funk

So I am stuck in this funk that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I know everything will be fine and I know I am fine... I just feel broken right now.

omg, i'm a mess....

Ok, here's the surprise of the century (not...)

Yes, as I initially anticipated, I am still not pregnant. This test wasn't a shocker- it didn't make me cry. I totally expected this result. I mean, yeah, it's always disappointing, but my hopes weren't up too high, and I was ok with things.

Quick side note: I forgot how absolutely fantastic the clear blue digital pregnancy tests are! I am really going to consider getting the digital ovulation tests. I like the results clearly spelled out for me, rather than interpreting the lines.

Ok, back to the story- I had taken this test first thing in the morning on Friday, right before I drove Nathan to work. I came home, saw the results, shrugged it off, and started packing for camping. I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend up in the pines with the Lunt side of the family. And for the most part that's what it was. We were having a wonderful time hanging out, playing games, hiking, just enjoying each other's company and things were going just great until my uterus once again decided to mess things up. My period showed up a little sooner than I expected on Saturday afternoon. At dinner on Saturday night, I asked Virginia if I could have a couple of her Aleve after dinner. Amy asked if I still had a headache from the night before, and I said, "No, the headache is gone. Now it's just cramps." Little did I know, this simple phrase would through me into my biggest infertility break down thus far. This is what I remember from the moments after my declaration of cramps....

Robert said, "Well, Nathan, it looks like you failed this month. Better try again next month..." followed by some other babbling that I tuned out since I was now trying not to cry. Marvin made some comments about how it's our turn, and we need to be the ones chasing our kids around the campsite (like he and Sarah had been doing all weekend.) Someone asked when we were going to have kids or something, or maybe Nathan just decided to chime in on his own- I don't know, I was just trying really hard to keep it together, but Nathan said "We will have kids when are ready." Other people said some other stuff, and Nathan said again "When we are both ready to have kids we will have kids." I knew I was going to lose it soon so I nudged Nathan and said, "Please, stop saying that." I drives me crazy when he use the excuse that we will have kids when we are ready because we have been ready for a while now. I am so beyond ready for it to happen that it's not even funny. Then Nathan's mom said something along the lines of "Well if we went by what you told us before the baby would have been here by now!" And there it was- the straw that broke the camel's back.

I held it together for like maybe two more minutes after that and then had to excuse myself from the dinner table. I went to the tent and just started bawling. Nathan came in a few minutes later and just sat down next to me on the air mattress and held me and let me cry for little while. He asked me if it was something that he had said that made me cry, and I told him no. It wasn't necessarily anything that one person said, and I really couldn't be too upset with any of them, because we haven't shared this part of our life with them thus far. I was just overwhelmed by the reminders from everyone of how procreationally challenged I seem to be. As if my uterus trying to claw it's way out of my body wasn't reminder enough at the time. I can't even explain the exact emotion behind it all... I guess the closest thing I can think of, is just total heartbreak. I didn't want to leave the tent, I just wanted to stay there and cry all night long- even now thinking about it all, I just want to cry. I knew I had to pull it together, and put on a brave face and go back out for some more family togetherness.

Nathan stayed in the tent with me while I calmed down and waited for the redness to leave my eyes. He told me that after I left the table that his mom asked if I had been having a hard time getting pregnant. He told her no. Which kind of made me want to cry even more. I told him that part of me just wants to tell everyone- but how do you bring something like that up? And who do you tell? Everyone? Just the girls? Just his parents? Then he mentioned that his mom was going to be mad at him for lying to her which just stressed me out even more.

Anyway, we came out of the tent and Virginia apologized if something she said made me cry and that she didn't mean to and she said that Nathan said that we weren't having a hard time getting pregnant, but that she knows that sometimes men are clueless. I just told her that I was fine and tried not to cry more. The next couple hours it just took everything I had not to start crying again.

I wish I could say that that there wasn't anymore talk about us having kids or getting pregnant the rest of the trip, but there was. I handled it better than I did at dinner though. I really need to develop a thicker skin if we aren't going to be telling people about our infertility struggles.

I keep going back and forth in my head deciding whether or not to be more public about the whole thing- so I did what I usually do when I have a question....I googled it!

I read a whole bunch of forum posts about it and it was pretty evenly split between people who shared their struggles with family, people who didn't, and people who did that wished that they hadn't. So, basically, it was no help. I think we are going to continue to just work through it together. I don't want to have to explain my fertility treatments to everyone. I don't want to explain all the causes. And I don't want them to get their hopes up either. Who knows which fertility treatments, if any, are going to work. I'd much rather dance around the question of when then juggle the which, what, why, how questions.

Anyway, my brain has just been a jumbled mess since dinner last night. I cried and prayed myself to sleep last night. I cry and pray because that's all I really can do. This is something that I can't control and it drives me absolutely crazy! I just want to find a fix for it, and be normal and make babies like everyone else in the family!

Here are some pins from my infertility board on pinterest that may give you a better idea of where I am at mentall and emotionally right now, at this moment:

To conclude this post- I have an announcement- I am skipping my next round of Clomid. I am going to go one cycle without it and I going to focus on the one thing that I can control about my body. My weight. I also want to say, that I really do not think that this is a contributing factor in my infertility- though it often is in a lot of cases. I have really been thinking back through my life and I have never had a regular cycle- which means it's quite possible that I have had ovulation problems all along. Also, my periods have always been pretty short, and relatively light- I'm not typically a heavy bleeder- which makes me wonder if my uterine lining is even thick enough or whatever for implantation (a question that I am going to bring up with my OBGYN on my next appointment.) But anyway- for my own sanity I need to feel in control of my body for a while, and I don't want to be dieting and exercising like crazy while trying to conceive. I don't think that's a healthy idea for a baby. So I've talked to Nathan about it, and decided that I am going one cycle without the Clomid, trying to lose 10-15 lbs and then start it up again after my next period. And yes, the way my body works, it may be 2 to 3 months before my next cycle, but I have decided that I am ok with that.

So....that's where I am at with things right now.

cravings

So I'm once again playing the waiting game and wondering...It's still a couple more days before I can take a pregnancy test. We got in a pretty good try this month, despite our vacation taking up one of my peak fertility days.  However, I don't think I'm knocked up. BUT....I won't know for sure until a pee stick tells me I am or I start bleeding.

Signs that I might be: my boobs hurt like crazy bad! This is also of a premenstrual symptom for me though- so- I cannot read too much into it. I felt a little queezy the past the couple days- but there is a bit of stomach bug going around my office, so I'm not convinced that it has anything to do with pregnancy. And finally- I have been experiencing the weirdest, most intense cravings lately! This is the only symptom that I cannot explain. The other day I had the strongest craving for a tuna fish salad sandwich. If you know me at all- you know I HATE fish- especially tuna. I used to eat it as a small child, but literally cannot even begin to guess at the last time I ate it. I used to make my sisters make their tuna sandwiches out in the garage because the smell makes me gag- so obviously this craving caught me really off guard. And it wasn't like I was super hungry at the time either- it was at like 9:30 in the morning! Weird. Then the other night while we were laying in bed, watching TV, I got a really intense craving for Velveeta/Salsa dip and today, out of nowhere, I had a serious urge to like chug down some taco sauce. I didn't have a craving for a taco or any sort of Mexican food- just straight taco sauce.

So yeah, that's been a little weird...but honestly, I still don't think that I am pregnant. I didn't have any implantation bleeding or any sort of cramping or sensation in my uterus. I haven't really had any real nausea or thrown up. I'm pretty certain that when I take the pregnancy test before we leave for camping on Friday that it's gonna be negative. My hopes aren't really up at all this time around...maybe I am just more resigned and cynical this time around.

On a more hopeful note- I have started going to the gym with my mom in the mornings- in an honest effort to really lose some weight and get fit- since I know that weight can significantly contribute to infertility. And I am willing to anything I need to do to have child. So if I need to wake up at 5:30 every morning and eat salads for lunch- I'll do it in a heartbeat!

aren't you supposed to be a doctor?

So, I went to the doctor yesterday- super irritated; I hate paying $25 for an office visit when I already know what's wrong with me. Why can't they just call in an antibiotic for a UTI over the phone?! Ugh. Anyway, so after they had me pee in the cup, which confirmed my diagnosis,  the doctor...well, "physician's assistant," started asking me questions to decide which antibiotic to me on.

P.A.: So what birth control are you on?....What are you doing to prevent pregnancy?
In my head: Um, I know what birth control means....
Me: Nothing, I have actually been trying to get pregnant for quite a while now. I am on Clomid.

P.A.: Oh, so was your last period normal? When was it?
Me, trying to remember what day it was: Yeah, it was normal. I think like 11 or 12 days ago.

P.A.: So you could be pregnant right now then?
Me: No, I don't think so- based on my previous cycle, I am not due to ovulate for til Thursday or Friday.

P.A. with a huge smile on her face: I am going to run a pregnancy test anyway. UTI are very common in the first trimester.
In my head: Aren't you supposed to be a doctor? I mean, I know you aren't a "doctor" doctor, but you have had enough medical training to see and diagnose patients....I just told you my last period was normal. I told you I was due to ovulate yet. AND I told you the start of my period was only 11-12 days ago. Even if I had conceived in the past few days- it would be way too early to show up on a pee test! Moron.

5 minutes later...

P.A.: Well, the pregnancy test back negative...
In my head: Duh.
P.A.: ...I faxed your prescription for your UTI to your pharmacy, you should be able to pick up in an hour or so.
Me: Ok. Thanks.
In my head: Thanks for nothing! You didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know!

Next time I schedule an appointment with my primary care physician, I will make double sure it's not with this P.A.- she will now forever irritate me.