sometimes this hard

So, we are "trying" really hard this month. Usually I am optimistic, but for some reason I woke up this morning feeling hopeless. Some days I just feel like I am never going to be able to experience getting pregnant. I wish it all could just be easy for us, like it seems to be for so many other people. There are people that don't even want it or don't truly appreciate the blessing that are able- why not me? I know there are fertility specialists and adoption-- but I really, really don't want to go that route. And you probably think I am a crazy person for even thinking about all this before I even know if our trying is going to amount to anything this month- but I can't help it! Any spare moment my brain has is baby focused. I just want us to be a little family so bad! It makes my heart ache.

Speaking of heartache, Marvin & Sarah found out that they miscarried. When I found out they were pregnant, my heart broke for me- but when I found out they lost the baby my heart absolutely broke for her. I am sure she is feeling as bad as I am feeling- times ten! I just don't know how I will cope if I finally find out I am pregnant and then I miscarry. At least Sarah has precious little Marley to help boost her spirits a bit. I had lunch with Virginia and Marley the other day and I couldn't believe happy and smiley Marley was the whole time! No fits or crying- just grins and giggles. So cute.

Well, I just needed to get all that out in the open. We really want our pregnancy to be surprise, but sometimes it's hard and I just want to talk to someone. It drives me insane when people think that we haven't had a baby yet because we don't feel like it or don't want to or whatever. And when people ask us when it's going to happen I want to yell at them to mind their own damn business! But I can't do that- because they all mean well and I know they are just as anxious to see it happen as I am. They don't know all the struggle going on behind the scenes.

Ok- off to do the million things I need to do now.

another update

I started my period the day after my last post, so naturally about a week after we started trying for a couple weeks. I was pretty sure I was pregnant. I was constantly nauseous, my boobs were so sore, I was exhausted, and so on and so forth- but after 2 negative pregnancy test, I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't.

The next day (yesterday) was Thanksgiving. I was in the kitchen making my first ever homemade mashed potatoes to take to Nathan's parent's house for dinner, when Nathan got a phone call. He took it in the other room, but I couldn't help but over hear. When the call was over he came down the hall and said "Tarin, you're gonna cry..." but it was too late. I had heard him say "Congratulations" and "When is she due?" and the tears were already streaming down my face. Yup, Marvin and Sarah have baby #2 on the way and I am still struggling to even get one. I cried for a good 20 minutes straight and then did my best to not burst into tears the rest of the night- but it was a really hard day. I had a hard time even looking at Marvin or Sarah and any mention of the new little one just felt like my insides were being ripped apart.

Today, while I was out Black Friday shopping, I got my period. Bad news because the reality hit me even more that I am STILL not pregnant, but good news because it's only been 38 days since the first day of my last period. That's way better than like 70! So we will just try again. Maybe we will get lucky and see a positive test before the end of the year.

quick update

#1: Still not pregnant. My cycle is all spastic still. If my period or a positive pregnancy test doesn't show up by 11-11 than I am going to the doctor to find out what's up and see if I can get this ball rolling!

#2: Nathan is a baby lover all of a sudden. While I was in California with my aunts, I got a text from him telling me how cute our niece was being. AND on Sunday, we were at his cousin's mission farewell and he played telephone, asking for the baby to passed down our way because I wanted to hold her. LIES! HEEEEEE wanted to hold her and play with her. He loves making faces at her and stuff. It's really cute.

#3: I stayed home sick from work today and while I was home I did some cleaning and daily housework stuff and I LOVED IT! I think being a stay at home mom is going to be awesome. All of our debt (except the house and my student loan) will be paid off by June of next year- so when we finally have a baby I can quit my job and stay at home full time. I can't wait!

plans changed again...

We aren't waiting til November. We are trying NOW! We have actually been trying for a couple weeks- we figure- why wait? I am so ready to start our family it ridiculous- and I am ridiculously excited about the possibility. I can't wait to be a little family! Now hopefully my body will cooperate- I doing my best to think positively and not stress about it- I am just so anxious! I want it right now! but I will try to be patient.

....but it's so hard! ACK! I'M SO EXCITED!

so, it's been a while....

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last blogged! I think that is because I compose blogs in my head all the time- but then I forget to actually type them up.

So, here is the latest on the baby front. I totally thought that I was pregnant when we went to the family reunion in Lake Tahoe. I got my hopes up really high and was let down when the pregnancy test came back negative and I finally got my period about a week later. I am not kidding you though- I had like ALL the symptoms: heartburn, fatigue, random nausea, breast sensitivity, and of course I had been without a period for a loooooooooong time. I was really sad about it; but Nathan and I got to talking and we decided that we are going to try to get pregnant in November!

I am really feeling good about this. I hope it all pans out. This would make me due around August 2012. Now I am just crossing my fingers that my ovaries will cooperate!

baby stuff lust

I went to Buy Buy Baby today on a girl date with Kassi and I fell in love with a crib and some new baby bedding.

I know, I already bought baby bedding, but maybe if I am a really good girl and save up my pennies, Nathan will let me sell the other bedding on Ebay or save for another pregnancy and let me get these!!!

The crib and the bedding should only set me back about $1800..... =/

the privilege of motherhood