aren't you supposed to be a doctor?

So, I went to the doctor yesterday- super irritated; I hate paying $25 for an office visit when I already know what's wrong with me. Why can't they just call in an antibiotic for a UTI over the phone?! Ugh. Anyway, so after they had me pee in the cup, which confirmed my diagnosis,  the doctor...well, "physician's assistant," started asking me questions to decide which antibiotic to me on.

P.A.: So what birth control are you on?....What are you doing to prevent pregnancy?
In my head: Um, I know what birth control means....
Me: Nothing, I have actually been trying to get pregnant for quite a while now. I am on Clomid.

P.A.: Oh, so was your last period normal? When was it?
Me, trying to remember what day it was: Yeah, it was normal. I think like 11 or 12 days ago.

P.A.: So you could be pregnant right now then?
Me: No, I don't think so- based on my previous cycle, I am not due to ovulate for til Thursday or Friday.

P.A. with a huge smile on her face: I am going to run a pregnancy test anyway. UTI are very common in the first trimester.
In my head: Aren't you supposed to be a doctor? I mean, I know you aren't a "doctor" doctor, but you have had enough medical training to see and diagnose patients....I just told you my last period was normal. I told you I was due to ovulate yet. AND I told you the start of my period was only 11-12 days ago. Even if I had conceived in the past few days- it would be way too early to show up on a pee test! Moron.

5 minutes later...

P.A.: Well, the pregnancy test back negative...
In my head: Duh.
P.A.: ...I faxed your prescription for your UTI to your pharmacy, you should be able to pick up in an hour or so.
Me: Ok. Thanks.
In my head: Thanks for nothing! You didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know!

Next time I schedule an appointment with my primary care physician, I will make double sure it's not with this P.A.- she will now forever irritate me.

clomid round two *ding!

A scene from the bedroom of Tarin and Nathan sometime last week...

Tarin: I am going to go to bathroom...
-Tarin goes into the bathroom, shuts the door. Nathan hears rustling and bustling coming from the bathroom.
Nathan: What are you doing in there?
-Silence.
Nathan: Tarin? What are you doing?
Tarin: ...Taking a pregnancy test.
Nathan: No.
Tarin: Too late, I'm already doing it.
Nathan: Don't do it- you are just going to cry.
Tarin: I am not going to cry- I just want to know.
-The tests comes up negative. Tarin gets back in bed and watches tv with Nathan until he falls asleep. Tarin cries to herself as quietly possible- doesn't want Nathan to know he was right.


I did eventually tell him he was right, and that I had cried. And my period showed up a day or so later- which is good because I was beginning to get really confused. I didn't understand how I could have ovulated but had a negative pregnancy test and no period. I googled it, which was a bad thing to do, because I found a post from someone who said they always had all the signs of ovulation, but never actually ovulated, so her period wouldn't come. I just don't think I could handle that!

But anyway, menstruation has come and gone and I am on to round two of the Clomid. I am taking it in the evenings this time, to see if that helps to keep the side effects under control- a couple of posts I read online said it helped other people not be so crazy...We shall see!

Now it's time for Good News/Bad News!

Bad news first, so we can end on a happy note. Bad news: It looks as if my peak fertility days are going to happen while we are in California with Nathan's siblings for our Six Flags trip! Naturally, we are going to be sharing a hotel room....Boooooooooo! We'll still probably try before we leave and right after we get back. If not, there is always June! I have one more refill on my Clomid after this one- then I guess I have to go see my doctor again.

Good news: Marvin and Sarah had their gender ultrasound yesterday- They are having another little girl! That will be so fun for Marley. Sisters are the best! They are going to name her Paisley- no word on a middle name yet. She's due October 10th! Woohoo!

baby brain

Kinda creepy looking- but this is TOTALLY how I feel these days. My baby brain seems be getting worse and worse and worse. It's all I can think about! Evidence of this: the number of posts on this blog vs. the number of posts on my public blog...

 I did finally ovulate- so there is a possibility that I could be pregnant- right now. In fact, I could take a test that would tell me for sure one way or the other- but I can't bring myself to do it yet. If I am not pregnant- my period should up any day now- so I will probably give it until Friday and if there have been no signs of aunt flow- I'll buy a test.

I think that knowing that I have ovulated, and knowing that pregnancy is actually a possibility now, just makes the baby brain even worse. I really have been trying not to get my hopes up, but honestly, I have reached a point where I feel like I have to get my hopes up, because if I don't I feel completely hopeless. So the past week or so, I have been going back and forth from being super hopeful and absolutely hopeless.

When I am on a hopeful kick- I daydream about how I will break the news to Nathan, how we will tell the family, possible due date, what we will do if we have twins (since multiple births is a "side effect" of Clomid,") transitioning the craft room to a nursery, baby names, maternity clothes, etc. etc.

Hopeless days... feeling like I want to cry all the time. Not wanting to be around any kids or babies or hear anyone talk about their kids or babies. Sitting in Relief Society yesterday, seemed like a strange new form of torture, listening to all the babies cooing and crying. The mere mention of motherhood made me feel like bursting into tears- which I finally just did- I took a much needed time-out in a bathroom stall and just bawled for a few minutes. And I just have to say, that Yes, I do realize that this makes me seem like an absolutely crazy, overly dramatic, hormonal weirdo- but honestly, so days are really a struggle. It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it... but it's like having your heart broken month after month- and after a while, it seems like the broken heart is never going to heal- that it's just going to hurt forever. And no one can see the pain and you hide the sadness the best you can-but it's there every second of every day. Depressing, right?!

So since I have good days and bad days, I keep going back and forth in my mind on whether or not these are pregnancy symptoms or just PMS. The days until my period is supposed arrive seem to crawl by. Actually, now that I think about it- this entire month has seemed to go by so slow. It's really difficult to have patience. Anyway- there will be another post by the end of the week whichever direction things happen to go. That's all I have to say for now.

118 weeks

Thanks to the "Ages and Stages" emails that I somehow accidentally signed up for the first time we "tried" (I think I was trying to figure out a due date, or some pregnancy time line) I now know that it's been 118 weeks since my first negative pregnancy test heart break. Thanks American Baby! .... oh, and I am on day 15 of my cycle and haven't ovulated yet. The Clomid may not be working. Inside my mind today sucks!! Ugh.

national infertility awareness week...

I was going to post this to our family blog this week, but Nathan doesn't think it's the right time to share with the family. I still wanted to post it somewhere...

Most of the time it's really hard for me to accept, let alone say out loud that I am dealing with infertility. It's truly heart wrenching to realize that I have moved beyond the "it can take a little time for some people to get pregnant" phase and into the scientific/medical intervention phase of having a child. Infertility sucks! It's not ease to talk about- and honestly I don't want to talk about it. And since I don't like talking about it, this is probably brand new news to about 99% of people who look at my blog. This blog post is actually a result of some pinterest browsing. I was having a hellish week, taking the fertility drug Clomid, so I typed it in to pinterest to see what came up and came across this little gem:

This is hilarious to me because it is oh so true. I discovered that I am an emotional wreck on these pills. I feel like punching just about everyone I come in contact with, I've noticed that things that would usually be a mild irritation now enrage me, I am apparently a huge pain in the butt to my husband, and I cry about 8 times a day over super lame things. But anyway- I noticed that this was pinned on a board called "Infertility" so I popped on over to check it out. On just this one board I found so many things that I could relate to, and of course I was on Clomid at the time, so it made me cry. I decided to do a search for pin-boards containing the word infertility and there were a TON of results. For the first time, I really realized that I wasn't the only one experiencing this pain. I always knew that there were other people struggling to get pregnant, and that infertility is an issue for women all over the world, but I never really felt any connection to those "other people." I had been feeling very alone through it all. So I guess what I am trying to say is, I coming out of the infertility closet hoping that if there is anyone who reads my blog who is, like me, dealing silently with this issue- that they can know that they aren't alone, and there are other people who know what it is like.

I know what it's like to be surrounded by friends and family that are getting pregnant, seemingly effortlessly- some on accident- without even really wanting it. I know what it's like to cry quietly to yourself in the bathroom after finding out someone you know is pregnant for second or third time, while all this time you've been praying to finally have your first. I know what it's like to get a stomach bug, or a craving, or to put on a few pounds and have people say "Are you pregnant?" "You are probably pregnant." "Maybe you're pregnant!" and knowing how absolutely unlikely it is.  I also know what it's like when someone says something like that, and to get this glimmer of hope in heart that maybe this time you are- just to have your heart broken when only one line shows up on the test...again! I know what it's like to think that you might be and secretly buy a pregnancy test without telling anyone, just to be all alone when the test comes back negative. I know what it's like to plan a super cute way to tell your family on a specific date or special occasion, just to watch that day come and go without any news to share. I know what it's like to plaster a smile on your face when you go to a baby shower or to visit a new mommy at the hospital while on the inside you feel like a piece of you is dying. I even know what it's like to buy baby bedding and nursery decor, just to have it sit in your closet for nearly two years. I know what it's like to feel like a complete failure as wife...as woman.  I've felt the hopelessness, the helplessness, the disappointment, and the resentment. It's not easy. It's always there. It's a pain that, at a certain point, you feel like you can't even escape anymore. I know what it's like, however, that doesn't mean I want to have a conversation with everyone in my life about it- I just want people to be aware.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week- a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and concerns of the infertility community. You can read more about it here:

i'm not typically homicidal....

So, I've done some research, and I am experiencing a side effect from the Clomid that is apparently pretty common. What side effect, you ask? Rage. Everything makes me angry- and I want to kill just about everyone around me.

Yup. I'm not sure Clomid is going to be the best choice for me... I guess I will see if I actually ovulate before I make any final decisions. Ovulation tests begin tomorrow!!

clomid it is!

My blood work all came back ok, so all I have to do is wait for my period to finally show up, take the pills and see if I ovulate! I picked up the prescription today! This might be the beginning of the light at the end of the tunnel!