hopeful or desperate?

I started my period yesterday. It was so light at first I got this flicker of hope that maybe it was implantation spotting then as I was wondering if it was even possible, I realized that I was kind of acting like a crazy person. I knew it was my period- but I so desperately want to be pregnant. So anyway, I went back and looked at the calendar and my cycle was exactly 1 week longer than my last cycle- which still makes it really difficult to plan.

I already know that I going to be super stressed pretty much the entire month of February and with my luck I will probably be ovulating every single day that I am planning to be out of town with my sister in California. So my hopes aren't up super high for this coming cycle. But that's kind of ok- because that would give the Lunt's ANOTHER November birthday. I'd prefer not to have a November baby- that month is too crowded.

The following cycle is getting serious though. Whether Nathan likes it or not- I am going to be that lady that takes an ovulation test every morning. Obviously our conventional methods are not working. It's looking quite possible that I will be celebrating our third anniversary with an empty womb- which from the beginning I expected- but only because I thought we would have had a baby by now! I can't believe we are going to be starting our 4th year together childless. It kinda makes me want to cry. AND I should probably get used to the fact that I am probably not even going to be having a baby in my arms by the end of the year... I guess December might still be possible but... I dunno.

Ok, this is conversation is getting depressing now, better go get ready for work.