Well, I guess it shouldn't be a big surprise-- it seems that nothing goes as planned in my life! So anyway- here is the story...
My cycle has been all kinds of weird since Xander was born. With my infertility issues, this didn't come as big surprise to me. My period seemed to be coming every 4-6ish weeks- not super erratic, but not consistant either. Still- to keep my mind at ease, I would usually take a pregnancy test after 5 weeks just to be sure. So about a week ago, I decided to take the "peace of mind" test since it had been a little over 6 weeks. I assumed it would be negative and I could expect my period in a few days and then I could call up Dr. Tutt and ask him to put me back on the Nuva Ring- since I am winding down on the nursing and I can't remember to take oral birth control. Easy Peasy. So I took the test, and just the control line showed up- so I sat it on the counter and climbed back into bed with Xander and Nathan.
Nathan went to get in the shower like 10 minutes later, and I said- half jokingly- "Hey, can you take a look at that test and make sure I'm not pregnant?"
He looked at it, and said- "I don't know how to read these things...."
"Well, is there one line or two?"
"I don't know, I think two?"
"What?! Bring it to me."
So he brings me the test, and sure enough there are two pink lines. My jaw just dropped and I just stared at Nathan for a second. "That means I'm pregnant!"
Only moments later I burst into tears, much like I did when I found out I was pregnant the first time. However, this time they were not tears of joy. I'm not sure what emotion I would tie them to.... shock?...terror?...disappointment?
In a blink of an eye, my plans for the entire year had been flushed down the toilet. The Disneyland trip that I have been anticipating for the last 5 years and was so, so super excited for would have to be canceled. The personal training that I have committed to through October isn't going to be nearly as effective- and most of the progress I've made in my weight loss might soon be reversed. I will probably look like a freaking whale for my high school reunion this fall. Not looking forward to being pregnant on the handful of road trips we had planned...
I know, all that sounds really petty. And in all honesty, I feel super guilty for not leaping for joy and being over the moon excited. Like- reeeeeally guilty. I am just having a really hard time accepting the fact that everything I've been looking forward to this year is going away. It's disappointing and that makes me feel terrible.
Oh, and in case you've forgotten- Xander is only 9 months old- and now, in 9 more months- I am going to be doing this whole baby thing all over while juggling a 17 month old toddler. I am really scared and completely over-whelmed. I was not planning this at all and I am having a really hard time coping.
Nathan thinks that my feelings will change after I see the heartbeat at the doctor next week, and everything is confirmed. I hope so. I would really like to get excited about this- maybe once we start telling people, and they get excited, it will rub off on me.
I do feel blessed that our family is growing- and even more blessed that I didn't have to take that wrechted Clomid to do it. That is a huge blessing! My heart does swell a bit when I think of becoming a family of 4- I definitely wanted a second child- I just wasn't expecting him or her so soon! I am so, so blessed- just overwhelmed at the moment. It's been a week and I still freak out every time I think about it.
Anyway, my appointment with Dr. Tutt is in 8 days. I will let you know more after that.
