118 weeks

Thanks to the "Ages and Stages" emails that I somehow accidentally signed up for the first time we "tried" (I think I was trying to figure out a due date, or some pregnancy time line) I now know that it's been 118 weeks since my first negative pregnancy test heart break. Thanks American Baby! .... oh, and I am on day 15 of my cycle and haven't ovulated yet. The Clomid may not be working. Inside my mind today sucks!! Ugh.

national infertility awareness week...

I was going to post this to our family blog this week, but Nathan doesn't think it's the right time to share with the family. I still wanted to post it somewhere...

Most of the time it's really hard for me to accept, let alone say out loud that I am dealing with infertility. It's truly heart wrenching to realize that I have moved beyond the "it can take a little time for some people to get pregnant" phase and into the scientific/medical intervention phase of having a child. Infertility sucks! It's not ease to talk about- and honestly I don't want to talk about it. And since I don't like talking about it, this is probably brand new news to about 99% of people who look at my blog. This blog post is actually a result of some pinterest browsing. I was having a hellish week, taking the fertility drug Clomid, so I typed it in to pinterest to see what came up and came across this little gem:

This is hilarious to me because it is oh so true. I discovered that I am an emotional wreck on these pills. I feel like punching just about everyone I come in contact with, I've noticed that things that would usually be a mild irritation now enrage me, I am apparently a huge pain in the butt to my husband, and I cry about 8 times a day over super lame things. But anyway- I noticed that this was pinned on a board called "Infertility" so I popped on over to check it out. On just this one board I found so many things that I could relate to, and of course I was on Clomid at the time, so it made me cry. I decided to do a search for pin-boards containing the word infertility and there were a TON of results. For the first time, I really realized that I wasn't the only one experiencing this pain. I always knew that there were other people struggling to get pregnant, and that infertility is an issue for women all over the world, but I never really felt any connection to those "other people." I had been feeling very alone through it all. So I guess what I am trying to say is, I coming out of the infertility closet hoping that if there is anyone who reads my blog who is, like me, dealing silently with this issue- that they can know that they aren't alone, and there are other people who know what it is like.

I know what it's like to be surrounded by friends and family that are getting pregnant, seemingly effortlessly- some on accident- without even really wanting it. I know what it's like to cry quietly to yourself in the bathroom after finding out someone you know is pregnant for second or third time, while all this time you've been praying to finally have your first. I know what it's like to get a stomach bug, or a craving, or to put on a few pounds and have people say "Are you pregnant?" "You are probably pregnant." "Maybe you're pregnant!" and knowing how absolutely unlikely it is.  I also know what it's like when someone says something like that, and to get this glimmer of hope in heart that maybe this time you are- just to have your heart broken when only one line shows up on the test...again! I know what it's like to think that you might be and secretly buy a pregnancy test without telling anyone, just to be all alone when the test comes back negative. I know what it's like to plan a super cute way to tell your family on a specific date or special occasion, just to watch that day come and go without any news to share. I know what it's like to plaster a smile on your face when you go to a baby shower or to visit a new mommy at the hospital while on the inside you feel like a piece of you is dying. I even know what it's like to buy baby bedding and nursery decor, just to have it sit in your closet for nearly two years. I know what it's like to feel like a complete failure as wife...as woman.  I've felt the hopelessness, the helplessness, the disappointment, and the resentment. It's not easy. It's always there. It's a pain that, at a certain point, you feel like you can't even escape anymore. I know what it's like, however, that doesn't mean I want to have a conversation with everyone in my life about it- I just want people to be aware.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week- a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and concerns of the infertility community. You can read more about it here:

i'm not typically homicidal....

So, I've done some research, and I am experiencing a side effect from the Clomid that is apparently pretty common. What side effect, you ask? Rage. Everything makes me angry- and I want to kill just about everyone around me.

Yup. I'm not sure Clomid is going to be the best choice for me... I guess I will see if I actually ovulate before I make any final decisions. Ovulation tests begin tomorrow!!

clomid it is!

My blood work all came back ok, so all I have to do is wait for my period to finally show up, take the pills and see if I ovulate! I picked up the prescription today! This might be the beginning of the light at the end of the tunnel!

new doctor...new possibilities?

I still haven't gotten my period, so I made an appointment with the doctor. Yup, today I had my first appointment with my new gynecologist, Dr. Tutt. He was my sister's OB/GYN through both of her pregnancies. It was a good visit- and I am feeling like it was definitely a step in the right direction.

I explained to him how erratic my cycles have been and he told me something that I didn't know, but that makes total sense. I always assumed that when my period came that meant that at some point I had ovulated- which I found out today isn't true. Sometimes when there are months between periods, the uterus just decides to bleed because it's too full. Chances are, I am probably not ovulating like hardly ever.

So, I got my blood drawn. They are testing for two things. First- my thyroid. If that comes back irregular, I will go on thyroid medication, and we will see how things go from there. Sometimes, that can help. If nothing is wrong with my thyroid, they are also testing my hormone levels and I will probably go on Clomid.

For those of you unfamiliar- here's basically how it works:

Clomid is the most well-known fertility drug, probably because it is the most commonly used. And with good reason. About a quarter of female factor infertility involves a problem with ovulation, and clomiphene citrate, as a fertility drug, is easy to use, with not too many side effects, is pretty inexpensive compared to other fertility drugs, and is effective in stimulating ovulation 80% of the time.

Clomid is similar to estrogen in its make-up. The receptor cells in your brain think that Clomid is estrogen which allows the Clomid to attach to the receptor cells. When Clomid attaches to the receptor cells, it keeps your own estrogen from attaching to the cells. This causes your body to think that you are not making enough estrogen. When estrogen levels are low, your body responds by making other hormones that help nurture and mature the follicles that are growing in your ovaries. Why? Because the follicles are what produce estrogen and your body wants your estrogen levels to increase. Your body thinks your follicles are not producing enough estrogen so it starts producing more of the hormones that help the follicles mature so that they will start producing more estrogen.

If that didn't make sense to you- the shorter version is: it's a pill that should help me ovulate on a regular basis. If it doesn't work at first, they will double the dosage, and if that doesn't work- then I've got bigger issues to worry about and will have to see a fertility specialist.

So we are just waiting for my blood test to come back, so we can know what pills I am going to be on. I'm feeling much more optimistic in regards to a baby in our future.

In the mean time, Dr. Tutt also suggested that I continue to work on losing weight- he said that could help a lot too!