Most of the time it's really hard for me to accept, let alone say out loud that I am dealing with infertility. It's truly heart wrenching to realize that I have moved beyond the "it can take a little time for some people to get pregnant" phase and into the scientific/medical intervention phase of having a child. Infertility sucks! It's not ease to talk about- and honestly I don't want to talk about it. And since I don't like talking about it, this is probably brand new news to about 99% of people who look at my blog. This blog post is actually a result of some pinterest browsing. I was having a hellish week, taking the fertility drug Clomid, so I typed it in to pinterest to see what came up and came across this little gem:
This is hilarious to me because it is oh so true. I discovered that I am an emotional wreck on these pills. I feel like punching just about everyone I come in contact with, I've noticed that things that would usually be a mild irritation now enrage me, I am apparently a huge pain in the butt to my husband, and I cry about 8 times a day over super lame things. But anyway- I noticed that this was pinned on a board called "Infertility" so I popped on over to check it out. On just this one board I found so many things that I could relate to, and of course I was on Clomid at the time, so it made me cry. I decided to do a search for pin-boards containing the word infertility and there were a TON of results. For the first time, I really realized that I wasn't the only one experiencing this pain. I always knew that there were other people struggling to get pregnant, and that infertility is an issue for women all over the world, but I never really felt any connection to those "other people." I had been feeling very alone through it all. So I guess what I am trying to say is, I coming out of the infertility closet hoping that if there is anyone who reads my blog who is, like me, dealing silently with this issue- that they can know that they aren't alone, and there are other people who know what it is like.
I know what it's like to be surrounded by friends and family that are getting pregnant, seemingly effortlessly- some on accident- without even really wanting it. I know what it's like to cry quietly to yourself in the bathroom after finding out someone you know is pregnant for second or third time, while all this time you've been praying to finally have your first. I know what it's like to get a stomach bug, or a craving, or to put on a few pounds and have people say "Are you pregnant?" "You are probably pregnant." "Maybe you're pregnant!" and knowing how absolutely unlikely it is. I also know what it's like when someone says something like that, and to get this glimmer of hope in heart that maybe this time you are- just to have your heart broken when only one line shows up on the test...again! I know what it's like to think that you might be and secretly buy a pregnancy test without telling anyone, just to be all alone when the test comes back negative. I know what it's like to plan a super cute way to tell your family on a specific date or special occasion, just to watch that day come and go without any news to share. I know what it's like to plaster a smile on your face when you go to a baby shower or to visit a new mommy at the hospital while on the inside you feel like a piece of you is dying. I even know what it's like to buy baby bedding and nursery decor, just to have it sit in your closet for nearly two years. I know what it's like to feel like a complete failure as wife...as woman. I've felt the hopelessness, the helplessness, the disappointment, and the resentment. It's not easy. It's always there. It's a pain that, at a certain point, you feel like you can't even escape anymore. I know what it's like, however, that doesn't mean I want to have a conversation with everyone in my life about it- I just want people to be aware.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week- a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and concerns of the infertility community. You can read more about it here:
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