aren't you supposed to be a doctor?

So, I went to the doctor yesterday- super irritated; I hate paying $25 for an office visit when I already know what's wrong with me. Why can't they just call in an antibiotic for a UTI over the phone?! Ugh. Anyway, so after they had me pee in the cup, which confirmed my diagnosis,  the doctor...well, "physician's assistant," started asking me questions to decide which antibiotic to me on.

P.A.: So what birth control are you on?....What are you doing to prevent pregnancy?
In my head: Um, I know what birth control means....
Me: Nothing, I have actually been trying to get pregnant for quite a while now. I am on Clomid.

P.A.: Oh, so was your last period normal? When was it?
Me, trying to remember what day it was: Yeah, it was normal. I think like 11 or 12 days ago.

P.A.: So you could be pregnant right now then?
Me: No, I don't think so- based on my previous cycle, I am not due to ovulate for til Thursday or Friday.

P.A. with a huge smile on her face: I am going to run a pregnancy test anyway. UTI are very common in the first trimester.
In my head: Aren't you supposed to be a doctor? I mean, I know you aren't a "doctor" doctor, but you have had enough medical training to see and diagnose patients....I just told you my last period was normal. I told you I was due to ovulate yet. AND I told you the start of my period was only 11-12 days ago. Even if I had conceived in the past few days- it would be way too early to show up on a pee test! Moron.

5 minutes later...

P.A.: Well, the pregnancy test back negative...
In my head: Duh.
P.A.: ...I faxed your prescription for your UTI to your pharmacy, you should be able to pick up in an hour or so.
Me: Ok. Thanks.
In my head: Thanks for nothing! You didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know!

Next time I schedule an appointment with my primary care physician, I will make double sure it's not with this P.A.- she will now forever irritate me.

clomid round two *ding!

A scene from the bedroom of Tarin and Nathan sometime last week...

Tarin: I am going to go to bathroom...
-Tarin goes into the bathroom, shuts the door. Nathan hears rustling and bustling coming from the bathroom.
Nathan: What are you doing in there?
-Silence.
Nathan: Tarin? What are you doing?
Tarin: ...Taking a pregnancy test.
Nathan: No.
Tarin: Too late, I'm already doing it.
Nathan: Don't do it- you are just going to cry.
Tarin: I am not going to cry- I just want to know.
-The tests comes up negative. Tarin gets back in bed and watches tv with Nathan until he falls asleep. Tarin cries to herself as quietly possible- doesn't want Nathan to know he was right.


I did eventually tell him he was right, and that I had cried. And my period showed up a day or so later- which is good because I was beginning to get really confused. I didn't understand how I could have ovulated but had a negative pregnancy test and no period. I googled it, which was a bad thing to do, because I found a post from someone who said they always had all the signs of ovulation, but never actually ovulated, so her period wouldn't come. I just don't think I could handle that!

But anyway, menstruation has come and gone and I am on to round two of the Clomid. I am taking it in the evenings this time, to see if that helps to keep the side effects under control- a couple of posts I read online said it helped other people not be so crazy...We shall see!

Now it's time for Good News/Bad News!

Bad news first, so we can end on a happy note. Bad news: It looks as if my peak fertility days are going to happen while we are in California with Nathan's siblings for our Six Flags trip! Naturally, we are going to be sharing a hotel room....Boooooooooo! We'll still probably try before we leave and right after we get back. If not, there is always June! I have one more refill on my Clomid after this one- then I guess I have to go see my doctor again.

Good news: Marvin and Sarah had their gender ultrasound yesterday- They are having another little girl! That will be so fun for Marley. Sisters are the best! They are going to name her Paisley- no word on a middle name yet. She's due October 10th! Woohoo!

baby brain

Kinda creepy looking- but this is TOTALLY how I feel these days. My baby brain seems be getting worse and worse and worse. It's all I can think about! Evidence of this: the number of posts on this blog vs. the number of posts on my public blog...

 I did finally ovulate- so there is a possibility that I could be pregnant- right now. In fact, I could take a test that would tell me for sure one way or the other- but I can't bring myself to do it yet. If I am not pregnant- my period should up any day now- so I will probably give it until Friday and if there have been no signs of aunt flow- I'll buy a test.

I think that knowing that I have ovulated, and knowing that pregnancy is actually a possibility now, just makes the baby brain even worse. I really have been trying not to get my hopes up, but honestly, I have reached a point where I feel like I have to get my hopes up, because if I don't I feel completely hopeless. So the past week or so, I have been going back and forth from being super hopeful and absolutely hopeless.

When I am on a hopeful kick- I daydream about how I will break the news to Nathan, how we will tell the family, possible due date, what we will do if we have twins (since multiple births is a "side effect" of Clomid,") transitioning the craft room to a nursery, baby names, maternity clothes, etc. etc.

Hopeless days... feeling like I want to cry all the time. Not wanting to be around any kids or babies or hear anyone talk about their kids or babies. Sitting in Relief Society yesterday, seemed like a strange new form of torture, listening to all the babies cooing and crying. The mere mention of motherhood made me feel like bursting into tears- which I finally just did- I took a much needed time-out in a bathroom stall and just bawled for a few minutes. And I just have to say, that Yes, I do realize that this makes me seem like an absolutely crazy, overly dramatic, hormonal weirdo- but honestly, so days are really a struggle. It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it... but it's like having your heart broken month after month- and after a while, it seems like the broken heart is never going to heal- that it's just going to hurt forever. And no one can see the pain and you hide the sadness the best you can-but it's there every second of every day. Depressing, right?!

So since I have good days and bad days, I keep going back and forth in my mind on whether or not these are pregnancy symptoms or just PMS. The days until my period is supposed arrive seem to crawl by. Actually, now that I think about it- this entire month has seemed to go by so slow. It's really difficult to have patience. Anyway- there will be another post by the end of the week whichever direction things happen to go. That's all I have to say for now.