I did finally ovulate- so there is a possibility that I could be pregnant- right now. In fact, I could take a test that would tell me for sure one way or the other- but I can't bring myself to do it yet. If I am not pregnant- my period should up any day now- so I will probably give it until Friday and if there have been no signs of aunt flow- I'll buy a test.
I think that knowing that I have ovulated, and knowing that pregnancy is actually a possibility now, just makes the baby brain even worse. I really have been trying not to get my hopes up, but honestly, I have reached a point where I feel like I have to get my hopes up, because if I don't I feel completely hopeless. So the past week or so, I have been going back and forth from being super hopeful and absolutely hopeless.
When I am on a hopeful kick- I daydream about how I will break the news to Nathan, how we will tell the family, possible due date, what we will do if we have twins (since multiple births is a "side effect" of Clomid,") transitioning the craft room to a nursery, baby names, maternity clothes, etc. etc.
Hopeless days... feeling like I want to cry all the time. Not wanting to be around any kids or babies or hear anyone talk about their kids or babies. Sitting in Relief Society yesterday, seemed like a strange new form of torture, listening to all the babies cooing and crying. The mere mention of motherhood made me feel like bursting into tears- which I finally just did- I took a much needed time-out in a bathroom stall and just bawled for a few minutes. And I just have to say, that Yes, I do realize that this makes me seem like an absolutely crazy, overly dramatic, hormonal weirdo- but honestly, so days are really a struggle. It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it... but it's like having your heart broken month after month- and after a while, it seems like the broken heart is never going to heal- that it's just going to hurt forever. And no one can see the pain and you hide the sadness the best you can-but it's there every second of every day. Depressing, right?!
So since I have good days and bad days, I keep going back and forth in my mind on whether or not these are pregnancy symptoms or just PMS. The days until my period is supposed arrive seem to crawl by. Actually, now that I think about it- this entire month has seemed to go by so slow. It's really difficult to have patience. Anyway- there will be another post by the end of the week whichever direction things happen to go. That's all I have to say for now.
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