sometimes this hard

So, we are "trying" really hard this month. Usually I am optimistic, but for some reason I woke up this morning feeling hopeless. Some days I just feel like I am never going to be able to experience getting pregnant. I wish it all could just be easy for us, like it seems to be for so many other people. There are people that don't even want it or don't truly appreciate the blessing that are able- why not me? I know there are fertility specialists and adoption-- but I really, really don't want to go that route. And you probably think I am a crazy person for even thinking about all this before I even know if our trying is going to amount to anything this month- but I can't help it! Any spare moment my brain has is baby focused. I just want us to be a little family so bad! It makes my heart ache.

Speaking of heartache, Marvin & Sarah found out that they miscarried. When I found out they were pregnant, my heart broke for me- but when I found out they lost the baby my heart absolutely broke for her. I am sure she is feeling as bad as I am feeling- times ten! I just don't know how I will cope if I finally find out I am pregnant and then I miscarry. At least Sarah has precious little Marley to help boost her spirits a bit. I had lunch with Virginia and Marley the other day and I couldn't believe happy and smiley Marley was the whole time! No fits or crying- just grins and giggles. So cute.

Well, I just needed to get all that out in the open. We really want our pregnancy to be surprise, but sometimes it's hard and I just want to talk to someone. It drives me insane when people think that we haven't had a baby yet because we don't feel like it or don't want to or whatever. And when people ask us when it's going to happen I want to yell at them to mind their own damn business! But I can't do that- because they all mean well and I know they are just as anxious to see it happen as I am. They don't know all the struggle going on behind the scenes.

Ok- off to do the million things I need to do now.

another update

I started my period the day after my last post, so naturally about a week after we started trying for a couple weeks. I was pretty sure I was pregnant. I was constantly nauseous, my boobs were so sore, I was exhausted, and so on and so forth- but after 2 negative pregnancy test, I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't.

The next day (yesterday) was Thanksgiving. I was in the kitchen making my first ever homemade mashed potatoes to take to Nathan's parent's house for dinner, when Nathan got a phone call. He took it in the other room, but I couldn't help but over hear. When the call was over he came down the hall and said "Tarin, you're gonna cry..." but it was too late. I had heard him say "Congratulations" and "When is she due?" and the tears were already streaming down my face. Yup, Marvin and Sarah have baby #2 on the way and I am still struggling to even get one. I cried for a good 20 minutes straight and then did my best to not burst into tears the rest of the night- but it was a really hard day. I had a hard time even looking at Marvin or Sarah and any mention of the new little one just felt like my insides were being ripped apart.

Today, while I was out Black Friday shopping, I got my period. Bad news because the reality hit me even more that I am STILL not pregnant, but good news because it's only been 38 days since the first day of my last period. That's way better than like 70! So we will just try again. Maybe we will get lucky and see a positive test before the end of the year.

quick update

#1: Still not pregnant. My cycle is all spastic still. If my period or a positive pregnancy test doesn't show up by 11-11 than I am going to the doctor to find out what's up and see if I can get this ball rolling!

#2: Nathan is a baby lover all of a sudden. While I was in California with my aunts, I got a text from him telling me how cute our niece was being. AND on Sunday, we were at his cousin's mission farewell and he played telephone, asking for the baby to passed down our way because I wanted to hold her. LIES! HEEEEEE wanted to hold her and play with her. He loves making faces at her and stuff. It's really cute.

#3: I stayed home sick from work today and while I was home I did some cleaning and daily housework stuff and I LOVED IT! I think being a stay at home mom is going to be awesome. All of our debt (except the house and my student loan) will be paid off by June of next year- so when we finally have a baby I can quit my job and stay at home full time. I can't wait!

plans changed again...

We aren't waiting til November. We are trying NOW! We have actually been trying for a couple weeks- we figure- why wait? I am so ready to start our family it ridiculous- and I am ridiculously excited about the possibility. I can't wait to be a little family! Now hopefully my body will cooperate- I doing my best to think positively and not stress about it- I am just so anxious! I want it right now! but I will try to be patient.

....but it's so hard! ACK! I'M SO EXCITED!

so, it's been a while....

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last blogged! I think that is because I compose blogs in my head all the time- but then I forget to actually type them up.

So, here is the latest on the baby front. I totally thought that I was pregnant when we went to the family reunion in Lake Tahoe. I got my hopes up really high and was let down when the pregnancy test came back negative and I finally got my period about a week later. I am not kidding you though- I had like ALL the symptoms: heartburn, fatigue, random nausea, breast sensitivity, and of course I had been without a period for a loooooooooong time. I was really sad about it; but Nathan and I got to talking and we decided that we are going to try to get pregnant in November!

I am really feeling good about this. I hope it all pans out. This would make me due around August 2012. Now I am just crossing my fingers that my ovaries will cooperate!

baby stuff lust

I went to Buy Buy Baby today on a girl date with Kassi and I fell in love with a crib and some new baby bedding.

I know, I already bought baby bedding, but maybe if I am a really good girl and save up my pennies, Nathan will let me sell the other bedding on Ebay or save for another pregnancy and let me get these!!!

The crib and the bedding should only set me back about $1800..... =/

the privilege of motherhood

We talked. Nathan still isn't sure if he is ready for kids.

This song keeps playing in my head. Kinda emo and dramatic, I know, but it keep popping into mind.

"Learn to be lonely. Learn how to love life that is lived alone.... Life can be lived, life can be loved, alone."

it's about time!

My period finally came on Thursday the 21st. Almost exactly 3 months since my last one. That's almost a month longer than my last cycle. I have a feeling that my goal to be pregnant by the end of May is pretty much an impossibility at this point.

I was doing some math as I was laying in bed last night and, according to my calculations, if I have another cycle like the one that just finished up- and if I monitor my ovulation just right- we might be able to pull off getting pregnant the beginning of July- which would make us due around the end of March- beginning of April. This is NOT what I was hoping for. I really wanted to have a baby BEFORE our 3rd anniversary.

Hopefully that will all work out we won't still be trying by the end of the year. I feel like I have waited so long already.

the latest

First of all I would like to mention that I pulled off- what I think- is an EPIC April Fool's joke. Yes- the fake pregnancy has been done before, but I'm not sure to this extent with so many believers! To read my "announcement" blog- click here. To see the facebook photo (with comments) which lured people to the blog- click here. And then to see the big reveal- click here. (Sorry, it's just too much of a story to re-write the whole thing- I'm taking the lazy route.) Some people took the news better than others- but most were good sports about the whole thing. It was fun reading people's comments all day- and go back and forth about whether or not it was a joke.

So anyway, here is what has been going on lately- my period is all screwed up. I am in the same situation I was before- where I am like super late, taking pregnancy tests every week. I am probably not going to go to the doctor unless I go another month without it because my last doctor visit- cost me over $100 in blood work to find NOTHING. So I am thinking that getting pregnant isn't going to be as easy as I had hoped. I'm not going to be able to do a simple calculation to figure out what days I am probably ovulating- I may have to be that person that has an infinity of ovulation tests under the bathroom sink. Kinda frustrating.

I'd still like to try for the end of May- but my last period was January 23rd- so I'm just not sure that will happen. We are shooting for a boy month on the Chinese birth calendar. Yes, I know that sounds silly- but I know a lot of people that the chart was accurate for- and the pressure is on to have a boy!


I am 24 (until September)- so April, May, and July are my boy months until then. I hope I don't have to look at the chart beyond that- I am crossing my fingers that by the end July we will have a bun in the oven- but at this point, who knows?! I wanna hop on this boy train that seems to be going by right now- Alicia, Jenn, and Kassie are all expecting boys and my cousin just had her boy too!

In other news, we have moved the pottery shop from north Phoenix- into our garage. We have stuff everywhere and I am working on getting it all organized. My sister is coming over today to help me organize my craft room- which will one day be the nursery. With baby time just around the corner (hopefully) and all my craft stuff staring me in the face- I am kinda feeling like I am having to make a decision between having a baby and having a hobby. I just don't know that there is space for both in this house right now.

Nathan says I shouldn't worry about it right now- that I should just get the craft room organized and throw anything away yet because we will have at least 9 months to figure out where to put it
all once we find out we're pregnant. At the rate my cycle is going I may have a year of crafting left before I need to rearrange.


On a brighter note- both of my cousins had their babies this past weekend!

My cousin, Miranda, from my dad's side of the family, had a beautiful baby girl. They named her Ryleigh Elaine. She was a few weeks early, but healthy- weighing in at 6lbs 9oz and 18 inches long and looks like her daddy.




My cousin, Desiree, from my mom's side of the family had her little boy- after 60 hours of labor!! He's a big boy- 8.13 pounds and 22.5 inches! Long with big feet- and SUPER cute. They named him Dylan Connor- and he also looks like his daddy.


Miranda lives on the other side of the country, so I haven't gotten the chance to meet Ryleigh, but Desiree and Devin are just over in Scottsdale, so I got to visit baby Dylan twice already. They are going to be really great parents- they make a cute little family. =)

much easier to swallow...

Gummy pre-natal vitamins are AWESOME!!! The regular pill kind are giant and gross and I never remember to take them. These actually taste pretty good! I keep them on the counter in the bathroom, and just pop a couple in my mouth before or after I brush my teeth in the morning. Simple and fantastic!



Whoever created these was a genius!

baby presents!

I got do one of my favorite things today- baby shopping! Yay! I had TWO babies to buy for this time- which made it extra fun! I needed to get something for my cousin, Desiree's, baby shower AND something for Bailee, who is turning 1!

Here is what I got for Desiree, who is having a little boy (I'm jealous!):

A little red, white, and blue romper- maybe for the 4th of July?

A super cute sweater and cords- for when it gets chilly outside when he's about 6-9 months.

AND a cute little hoodie!

I had a heck of a time shopping for her little guy at this store! I found lots of super cute stuff, but none of it was the right size for the seasons! She is due in April, so I thought I would find some cute little shirt/short set for the summer time, but all of the awesome summer clothes were only for 6 months and older. By the time he is 6 months its going to start getting too chilly for shorts and tees! I got the romper for summer time and got the other stuff for when he's a bit bigger. Shopping for his first b-day will probably easier- there seemed to be a larger selection of boy clothes 12months and up.

And speaking of first birthdays- here is what I got for little Bailee:

Her mom doesn't like pink- so that made her birthday shopping a little tricky too! Sooooo much pink right now, since spring is just around the corner. So since pink was off limits, I went with purple- still girly and cute- especially with the shoes! I might make a hair bow to go with it too- not sure if I will have time or not.

Naturally all this baby shopping made me a little baby hungry! I am anxious for May to get here! Hopefully we don't wind up pregnant before then though- I really would like to reach some of my fitness goals before we try. I am still not on any birth control though, and condoms are hard to remember sometimes... hopefully no surprise delays with Aunt Flow's monthly visit! =/ If something should happen though, at least I would have an excuse for more baby shopping!

time flies!

So, I was actually thinking about it the other day... May is not that far away! We will actually be TRYING to get pregnant in roughly 12 to 15 weeks! That's only like 100 days! In about 100 days we will be trying to have a baby. It's a little bit crazy and overwhelming when I think of the reality of it and just the thought!

So much to do to get ready! Ack! .... It'll be good though. I'm a little nervous- but excited. =)

well that was disappointing...

I started my period today at church. I went home, put in a tampon, and cried.

Back to my original plan. Hopefully.

a week....

A week is too long to wait for blood results! I am really anxious about it now and I think I have failed at "not getting my hopes up." I kinda of hope I am now and going to the doctor made me think even more that I might be! Ugh this is going to be the longest week EVER!

In the meantime- here is a sweet message about parenting that was posted on facebook today by mormon.org. =)



and another about motherhood:

it's really easy to tell- is your nipples real brown?

Ok, so here is a little update on something that has been plaguing my mind lately. I have skipped not just one, but TWO periods now. That is a bit weird for me. I have had been late in the past, but never more than like a week- maybe two at the very very most.

Oh yeah, and Nathan and I did decide to randomly "try" towards the end of November/ beginning of December, so at first I was a little excited when my monthly visitor didn't show. But then excitement faded when 3 different pregnancy tests came up like this:



I figured I was probably just late due to stress, so I didn't worry too much until 2 weeks later and still no period.... so to make a long story short I have taken a pregnancy test every week on Thursday for the past 6 weeks and every single one has come up negative!

Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to have negative pregnancy tests but no period? I feel like my uterus is messing with me- it has done this in the past... usually if I am close to a week late and I buy a pregnancy test- Aunt Flow shows up the day after I pee on the stick. Not this time though.

So anyway- our new insurance cards came in the mail this weekend, so today I scheduled a doctor's appointment. I was lucky enough to talk to my doctor (well, Physicians Assistant, Julie!) on the phone, the conversation went something like this:

Julie: So what are you coming in for?

Me: I've missed 2 periods so far.

Julie: Oh, is there any possibility you could be pregnant?

Me: See, that's the thing- I have taken a pregnancy test every week and they have all come up negative.

Julie: Well, are you on the pill?

Me: No, I haven't been on any birth control for about six months now.

Julie: Oh! Well then you could be! We will do a blood test when you come in!

So...I am having a blood test on Thursday. I am anxious- but happy. I just want to know if I am or not, and if I am not I want to know if they can like, kick start my cycle because I am going to want to start trying for really reals in about 4 or 5 months. Having an actual cycle would be helpful in that process.

In the meantime my mind is constantly wandering back to the thought of "what if I am?!" I have heard of this happening- where the pee sticks all come out negative but a blood test confirms a pregnancy. My sister claims that it happened to her sister in law... It's all so crazy!!

If I am I think I will be pretty shocked- I haven't really experienced any of the typical pregnancy symptoms- but I guess I can't complain too much about NOT throwing up...

You know that First Response commercial where the lady says something like- when you think you might be pregnant, everyday can seem like a lifetime? THAT is sooooo true. Thursday and my blood test results couldn't possibly come fast enough!!

....I will keep you posted.

Oh, and one more side note before I go- I think it's a little funny how excited people get when they hear you MIGHT be pregnant. My doctor sounded kind of excited, the lady behind the counter when I was buying my pregnancy tests was all excited, and of course- my BFF, Kassi, was super stoked too! BABIES MAKE PEOPLE EXCITED! I am trying not to get too excited though- just in case.