jumbled

It's really hard to explain how I have been feeling lately. It's strange how infertility thoughts have just flooded my mind since I got an official diagnosis. I cannot go a single day without thinking about it or being reminded of it in some way. It's always floating around in head and it's really depressing. Some days are good I can look at our situation with hope and with faith and I can discuss it rationally- other days I feel broken and defective.

Yesterday I had a lovely 3 HOUR breakfast with my two sisters in law, Sarah and Amy. I figured kids and pregnancy would be brought up at some point- Marvin and Sarah have one little girl with another on the way, and Amy and Robert have 4 kids- its no secret that everyone on the Lunt side are anxious for Nathan and I to add another cousin to the ranks. Also I kinda assumed my little breakdown from our family camping trip might be mentioned. Naturally my assumptions were correct. I had said at some point during the meal that Nathan and I had figured out that if we got pregnant sometime in the next year that our kid would be starting school the same year that Amy's son, Garrett, would be starting his senior year. So later on Amy referred back to that statement asking "So are you guys gonna try for this year?"

At that point I had a decision to make- I could just say something like "Yeah, maybe" or "We're thinking about it" but I had talked Nathan a few days before about how I didn't want to lie about it anymore. I told him that I didn't think we needed to announce it on our blog or discuss it over fourth Sunday family dinner-- but if someone asked me directly that I was just going to be straight with them.

Nervously, I hesitated for a moment and then I said "We've actually been trying for a while now... Like a year/ year and a half." They had both kinda figured it out after what happened while we were camping, and because I had mentioned being on medicine that made me act hormonal crazy, and Amy had noticed my infertility pin board on pinterest. I explained to them the diagnosis and what we are doing and what some other options will be if it doesn't work. I cried a little bit but mostly was able to keep it together. One thing that I thought was a little funny- Amy thought that since Nathan had always talked about how much he didn't like kids, that he was keeping from having babies. I assured her that was not the case. I let them know that Nathan has been really supportive and that I have felt closer to him in the past few months than ever before.

I'm not sure that I have mentioned that much on this blog- I usually just write when I need to vent- I don't post too much of the happier stuff- indeed to get better about that. Nathan really has been amazing through all this. Especially considering that I knew that he wasn't really excited about having kids when we first got married. He seems to understand me better than anyone else. He is often surprisingly compassionate and is always there as a shoulder to cry on. I really couldn't ask for anything more in a husband. He's the greatest. He has had so much patience with me- I'm so thankful to have him in my life.

Yesterday was Father's Day and I had a lot tougher time with it than I thought I would. I thought I would be fine going to church- but all the talks mentioning the privileges of parenthood and people talking about how great their dads are made me gloomy. I still thought I would make it through ok until the adorable little baby sitting in front of us yawned a huge baby yawn that made Nathan chuckle. I looked at him and he just said "Big yawn" with a smile on his face and for some reason tears just started pouring down my face. I had all these horrible thoughts pour through my mind and felt awful that I might not be able to give him a sweet little baby with big adorable yawns. I love seeing his face light up when we are little ones that do cute things- I know that one day he'll be a great daddy, one way or another. I just couldn't handle all my emotions during sacrament meeting.

Nathan just put his arm around me and pulled me close to him and just let me cry. He took me home after sacrament meeting so I could pull myself together and then went back for priest quorum. As we were driving home he asked if the newborn baby in front of us was making me sad and I just replied with a simple no. What he asked next surprised me- "Did you want to hold him? You should have asked to hold him." I did want to hold the little baby- so bad. Which is weird for me- lately I don't want much to do with kids, especially babies. But I am pretty sure the baby's mom, who is a complete stranger, would think I was an absolute weirdo and decline my request. I just has this crazy intense longing to hold an infant in my arms at that moment.

I was then in a weird mood for the rest the day. I don't want to say depressed because it wasn't really depression... I was just...off. Today I have almost cried a couple times for no reason. I have never been a big crier- so the past year has been strange because I have been crying A LOT.

Anyway... That's all for now.