Ok, here's the surprise of the century (not...)
Yes, as I initially anticipated, I am still not pregnant. This test wasn't a shocker- it didn't make me cry. I totally expected this result. I mean, yeah, it's always disappointing, but my hopes weren't up too high, and I was ok with things.
Quick side note: I forgot how absolutely fantastic the clear blue digital pregnancy tests are! I am really going to consider getting the digital ovulation tests. I like the results clearly spelled out for me, rather than interpreting the lines.
Ok, back to the story- I had taken this test first thing in the morning on Friday, right before I drove Nathan to work. I came home, saw the results, shrugged it off, and started packing for camping. I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend up in the pines with the Lunt side of the family. And for the most part that's what it was. We were having a wonderful time hanging out, playing games, hiking, just enjoying each other's company and things were going just great until my uterus once again decided to mess things up. My period showed up a little sooner than I expected on Saturday afternoon. At dinner on Saturday night, I asked Virginia if I could have a couple of her Aleve after dinner. Amy asked if I still had a headache from the night before, and I said, "No, the headache is gone. Now it's just cramps." Little did I know, this simple phrase would through me into my biggest infertility break down thus far. This is what I remember from the moments after my declaration of cramps....
Robert said, "Well, Nathan, it looks like you failed this month. Better try again next month..." followed by some other babbling that I tuned out since I was now trying not to cry. Marvin made some comments about how it's our turn, and we need to be the ones chasing our kids around the campsite (like he and Sarah had been doing all weekend.) Someone asked when we were going to have kids or something, or maybe Nathan just decided to chime in on his own- I don't know, I was just trying really hard to keep it together, but Nathan said "We will have kids when are ready." Other people said some other stuff, and Nathan said again "When we are both ready to have kids we will have kids." I knew I was going to lose it soon so I nudged Nathan and said, "Please, stop saying that." I drives me crazy when he use the excuse that we will have kids when we are ready because we have been ready for a while now. I am so beyond ready for it to happen that it's not even funny. Then Nathan's mom said something along the lines of "Well if we went by what you told us before the baby would have been here by now!" And there it was- the straw that broke the camel's back.
I held it together for like maybe two more minutes after that and then had to excuse myself from the dinner table. I went to the tent and just started bawling. Nathan came in a few minutes later and just sat down next to me on the air mattress and held me and let me cry for little while. He asked me if it was something that he had said that made me cry, and I told him no. It wasn't necessarily anything that one person said, and I really couldn't be too upset with any of them, because we haven't shared this part of our life with them thus far. I was just overwhelmed by the reminders from everyone of how procreationally challenged I seem to be. As if my uterus trying to claw it's way out of my body wasn't reminder enough at the time. I can't even explain the exact emotion behind it all... I guess the closest thing I can think of, is just total heartbreak. I didn't want to leave the tent, I just wanted to stay there and cry all night long- even now thinking about it all, I just want to cry. I knew I had to pull it together, and put on a brave face and go back out for some more family togetherness.
Nathan stayed in the tent with me while I calmed down and waited for the redness to leave my eyes. He told me that after I left the table that his mom asked if I had been having a hard time getting pregnant. He told her no. Which kind of made me want to cry even more. I told him that part of me just wants to tell everyone- but how do you bring something like that up? And who do you tell? Everyone? Just the girls? Just his parents? Then he mentioned that his mom was going to be mad at him for lying to her which just stressed me out even more.
Anyway, we came out of the tent and Virginia apologized if something she said made me cry and that she didn't mean to and she said that Nathan said that we weren't having a hard time getting pregnant, but that she knows that sometimes men are clueless. I just told her that I was fine and tried not to cry more. The next couple hours it just took everything I had not to start crying again.
I wish I could say that that there wasn't anymore talk about us having kids or getting pregnant the rest of the trip, but there was. I handled it better than I did at dinner though. I really need to develop a thicker skin if we aren't going to be telling people about our infertility struggles.
I keep going back and forth in my head deciding whether or not to be more public about the whole thing- so I did what I usually do when I have a question....I googled it!
I read a whole bunch of forum posts about it and it was pretty evenly split between people who shared their struggles with family, people who didn't, and people who did that wished that they hadn't. So, basically, it was no help. I think we are going to continue to just work through it together. I don't want to have to explain my fertility treatments to everyone. I don't want to explain all the causes. And I don't want them to get their hopes up either. Who knows which fertility treatments, if any, are going to work. I'd much rather dance around the question of when then juggle the which, what, why, how questions.
Anyway, my brain has just been a jumbled mess since dinner last night. I cried and prayed myself to sleep last night. I cry and pray because that's all I really can do. This is something that I can't control and it drives me absolutely crazy! I just want to find a fix for it, and be normal and make babies like everyone else in the family!
Here are some pins from my infertility board on pinterest that may give you a better idea of where I am at mentall and emotionally right now, at this moment:
To conclude this post- I have an announcement- I am skipping my next round of Clomid. I am going to go one cycle without it and I going to focus on the one thing that I can control about my body. My weight. I also want to say, that I really do not think that this is a contributing factor in my infertility- though it often is in a lot of cases. I have really been thinking back through my life and I have never had a regular cycle- which means it's quite possible that I have had ovulation problems all along. Also, my periods have always been pretty short, and relatively light- I'm not typically a heavy bleeder- which makes me wonder if my uterine lining is even thick enough or whatever for implantation (a question that I am going to bring up with my OBGYN on my next appointment.) But anyway- for my own sanity I need to feel in control of my body for a while, and I don't want to be dieting and exercising like crazy while trying to conceive. I don't think that's a healthy idea for a baby. So I've talked to Nathan about it, and decided that I am going one cycle without the Clomid, trying to lose 10-15 lbs and then start it up again after my next period. And yes, the way my body works, it may be 2 to 3 months before my next cycle, but I have decided that I am ok with that.
So....that's where I am at with things right now.
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