apprehensive

So, Nathan and I went to see Dr. Tutt today. The appointment wasn't exactly what I had hoped, but it kind of was what I expected. When we first pulled up in front of the office and Nathan read the name off the window he said "So that's the guy who's going to be looking at you who-ha?" I can always count him to say something classy like that! It did make me laugh though. Obviously, he's never been to gynecologist's office before- so this was a brand new experience for him.

First Dr. Tutt did like a little pelvic exam- and said that the uterus felt soft and that that was a good sign. Then he warned me that it might be too early to see anything and did an ultra sound. He could see on the ultra sound that my uterine lining is nice and thick and found one spot in general that was especially thick, but egg sack. That doesn't mean that I'm not pregnant, it simply means that if I am, the sack hasn't developed yet. So, the ultra sound looked good, but didn't really give us any definite answers. So he decided to take blood today to check my hcg levels and then I have to go back and have more blood taken on Monday to check the levels again- and if they have risen, then I am probably pregnant. He also scheduled me for a second ultra sound one week from today. Nathan won't be able to make it to the next appointment because of his work schedule- so that's kind of a bummer. I was hoping that he could be there the first time the little speck that will eventually be our baby shows up.

Anyway, I emailed Dr. Behara's office and let them know what was going on and asked what I should do. I don't know if I should cancel my appointment all together, because there isn't a 100% guarantee that this pregnancy thing is legit yet- so maybe I just need to move the appointment back until I know for sure? At the same time though, I don't want to deprive another couple from their fertility appointment if I don't need it.

I'm not sure what words to use to describe how I am feeling right now. I guess the best one would be "apprehensive." I have just gotten my hopes up so high for a pregnancy before and had them crushed, I just don't want that to happen again. I was really hoping to go to the doctor today and have a sure answer; to have an ultra sound and be able to see enough to know for sure that something was growing in there. I mean, all the signs are pointing to a likely yes- my uterus feels good, it looks like something might be starting to happen in there, the pregnancy test turned positive..... but what if it's some weird medical fluke. What if it's not a healthy pregnancy? What if things didn't/don't go right with implantation and I miscarry? I am so scared that this isn't going to happen. I have every reason to be happy and have high hopes and all I can think about right now is everything that has gone wrong in the past and everything that could go wrong.

And I HATE the fact that I have to wait. Waiting sucks! Monday seems forever away- and Wednesday seems even further! When all I was waiting for was my fertility appointment that was scheduled a week from tomorrow- that didn't seem all that far away! I was fine waiting for that- but this seems unbearable! I hate the unknown! Ugh!.... I know I just need to say a prayer and have faith that everything is going to fine. I know it will be- even if something does go wrong or this doesn't work out- I know I will be ok. It will hurt- but I will make it through. I just want so much to cry right now. Maybe I will ask Nathan for a blessing when he gets home from mutual. Hopefully I can get a decent night's rest tonight too.  *sigh