is it almost 2nd trimester yet???

So I went to the doctor again on Friday and I am "officially" pregnant now. They did another ultra sound, right at 7 weeks and you can see the little gummy bear shaped baby AND I got to see it's little heart beat too! It was pretty darn cool. Unfortunately Nathan had to work, so he didn't get to see it. If he can't come to my next appointment I am going to see if Dr. Tutt will let me record part of the ultra sound on my iPhone so I can show Nathan later.

 

My next appointment isn't until November 28th, but we decided that we are not going to wait until Christmas to tell the family. We are planning and announcing the pregnancy at Thanksgiving and I honestly can't wait. It's so hard keeping it secret! I keep having dreams that I accidentally tell someone and everyone finds out. I had one dream where Marvin just figured out- we were at some family function and Marvin was like "Oh come on people, Tarin is OBVIOUSLY pregnant. She has like every symptom- how does nobody else see this!?" It was a very realistic dream- I woke up all panicked thinking....Marvin knows..... Haha! Anyway, Thanksgiving is only a week away- and I am so happy that the family is going to know so I can stop trying to hide how miserable I am.

I feel so blessed that I have the ability to get pregnant and I know I am going to be thrilled out of my mind when the baby actually gets here, but every day I feel so awful! I cannot wait for the first trimester to be over- SUPPOSEDLY my symptoms should start to feel better between 11 and 14 weeks. I try to keep in mind that this is only temporary but Christmas (close to my 14 week mark) seems reeeeeally far away right now. Every time I got up to walk anywhere in my house yesterday I would dry heave. I can't control it- I just feel sick all day and all night. My doc prescribed me Zofran but it only helps withe the nausea 25% of the time. I guess it's possible that it is doing something though because I haven't thrown up since taking it- well except for a little bit the other day when I attempted to do dishes.

I miss sleeping like a normal person. Between having to pee and having a giant gas bubble constantly lurking around my digestive track- a good nights sleep seems impossible. Heck, even finding a comfortable sleeping position is hard and I don't even have a baby belly yet! And in case you were wondering, at the moment I am slurping down a smoothie with hefty dose of fiber supplement because I'm all backed up! It reminded me of the quote from Juno when she tells her parents she is pregnant- "If it's any consolation, I have heart burn that is radiating in my knee caps and I have taken a dump since Wednesday...morning!"

I'm just really looking forward to feeling human again!

my shopping cart: morning sickness editon

Well since my last post my nausea has been pretty persistent. My eating routines have changed a bit since this "morning" sickness has kicked in, so here is a little look into what I can stomach these days.

 

Pre-made soup. I love anything that just needs to be heated up. Bonus: it tastes delicious.

 

 

I heard that sucking on peppermints can help alleviate morning sickness. I have found it does help me a bit.

 

 

Peppermint flavored water. My theory was that if peppermint and staying hydrated are supposed to help nausea, peppermint water would be a God send,  so I tossed 4 of these suckers into the cart. Turns out that it doesn't do much. It doesn't help, but it doesn't hurt either.

 

 

Oyster crackers. LOVE for a quick stomach neutralizer!

 

 

The nurse from the "Future Mom" hotline said to eat peanut butter crackers before bed to help prevent night time sickness, so these are sitting on my night stand.

 

 

Um... cookies just sounded good at the time....

 

 

These english muffins advertised that they were high in fiber. Heaven knows I neeeeeeed fiber these days and peanut butter sounded delish to go on top.

 

 

Apple sauce sounded nice and neutral and potentially nutritious.

 

 

I haven't eaten pop tarts in ages- but when I came across these, I had to get them. I couldn't even wait until I got home to eat one. I busted them out while I was loading the rest of the groceries into the car.

 

 

Milk and cereal.

 

 

Watermelon was another thing I heard would help nausea.

Unfortunately it didn't work for me, but it didn't make throw up either, so it's not a total waste.

 

 

A bunch of frozen crap that just needs to be heated- because I DO NOT feel like preparing anything.

 

 

 

So there is a peak at what I have been eating. I try to sneak in nutritious stuff where ever I can but I just eat what whatever doesn't turn my stomach at that given moment.  Ugh! Nausea is the worst!

post-halloween zombie transformation

Yesterday, November 1st at 6:15 p.m. I had my first pregnancy puke. It was awful! I had been feeling nauseated all day long and had started randomly crying like 3 times throughout the day. And the thing that is frustrating about the crying is that I knew in my head that it was stupid for me to be crying but I couldn't stop! The tears and the sobs just kept coming. This is ultimately what lead to my first throw up experience. The sobs shook my insides just enough to make me puke up the apple sauce and couple pieces of Halloween candy that I had eaten only about an hour before. It was the worst! It got in my hair- and that only made me cry more!

I was nauseated all night and still am this morning. I know I probably have more "morning sickness" in my future and I am not looking forward to that at all. I have said it a million times- I would rather be stuck on the toilet all night with diarrhea than to be throwing up. I haaaaaaaate it! I feel so miserable- and feel extremely guilty about feeling so miserable. I have finally had the blessing of pregnancy bestowed upon me and the past couple days the misery has been over-shadowing the joy. I am incredibly grateful to be able to bear a child of my own, but I didn't realize how much it takes out of you. Obviously I was aware of symptoms, but actually experiencing those symptoms is whole other experience. I literally felt like the walking dead yesterday. My stomach was so unsettled, all I wanted to do all day was lie down so my stomach didn't get jostled. I am soooooo tired- like always. Even after I wake up- still tired! My boobs are still pretty sore. I feel like I have to wear some sort of bra 24/7 because as soon as I take a bra off it feels like I did something to make gravity really angry and they feel super sore and heavy. I can smell EVERYTHING- which can be good but now that the pukies have shown up, probably not so good.

I wanted to make dinner last night but the only thing that sounded good to me graham crackers and ginger ale- which Nathan so lovingly went and got for me. I feel like a bad wife because I can't even think about making my husband food without feeling like I am going to barf everywhere. I have like no energy or motivation to do chores. I just want to curl up in a ball under my blankey...which by the way is only comfortable for about an hour and then I wake up dying because I feel so hot!

The more of these not-so-fun symptoms I experience, the longer 9 months seems.....

Yesterday was the first day that I kinda wished we had told some people- I really needed a shoulder a cry on- preferably a shoulder attached to a person who has experienced this all before. Oh well- people will find out soon enough. We are thinking of telling the families at Thanksgiving now, as long as all our ultra sounds are looking good and healthy.

Well I am going to go sip my ginger ale and lay down....and let's be honest- probably cry.

I'll write again when I have something to share, other than whining.

squishy

My squishy:

 

Yep! Today was the day I got to see actual evidence of a baby growing inside. I have been feeling evidence for a while- the latest "feeling" development has been nausea today and yesterday. So gross- I kinda wish I could just throw up and maybe make the icky nausiated feeling go away.

 

I go back to for another ultra sound next Friday, the 9th. By that time I should be able to see something inside the sack, and possibly the flicker of a heartbeat! Then at our next appointment I think I get to hear the heartbeat- I'll make sure Nathan comes to that appointment for sure.

 

 

 

quick update

Dr. Tutt's nurse, Brooke, called me today to about my blood work from yesterday. She told me that all my levels are consistent with a 5 week pregnancy- so that's good news! I still have my two other appointments next week for more blood and another ultra sound. She said their office won't officially claim pregnancy until they see a heart beat which could be another week after my next ultra sound.

I think that I am going to wind up cancelling my appointment with the fertility doctor.

apprehensive

So, Nathan and I went to see Dr. Tutt today. The appointment wasn't exactly what I had hoped, but it kind of was what I expected. When we first pulled up in front of the office and Nathan read the name off the window he said "So that's the guy who's going to be looking at you who-ha?" I can always count him to say something classy like that! It did make me laugh though. Obviously, he's never been to gynecologist's office before- so this was a brand new experience for him.

First Dr. Tutt did like a little pelvic exam- and said that the uterus felt soft and that that was a good sign. Then he warned me that it might be too early to see anything and did an ultra sound. He could see on the ultra sound that my uterine lining is nice and thick and found one spot in general that was especially thick, but egg sack. That doesn't mean that I'm not pregnant, it simply means that if I am, the sack hasn't developed yet. So, the ultra sound looked good, but didn't really give us any definite answers. So he decided to take blood today to check my hcg levels and then I have to go back and have more blood taken on Monday to check the levels again- and if they have risen, then I am probably pregnant. He also scheduled me for a second ultra sound one week from today. Nathan won't be able to make it to the next appointment because of his work schedule- so that's kind of a bummer. I was hoping that he could be there the first time the little speck that will eventually be our baby shows up.

Anyway, I emailed Dr. Behara's office and let them know what was going on and asked what I should do. I don't know if I should cancel my appointment all together, because there isn't a 100% guarantee that this pregnancy thing is legit yet- so maybe I just need to move the appointment back until I know for sure? At the same time though, I don't want to deprive another couple from their fertility appointment if I don't need it.

I'm not sure what words to use to describe how I am feeling right now. I guess the best one would be "apprehensive." I have just gotten my hopes up so high for a pregnancy before and had them crushed, I just don't want that to happen again. I was really hoping to go to the doctor today and have a sure answer; to have an ultra sound and be able to see enough to know for sure that something was growing in there. I mean, all the signs are pointing to a likely yes- my uterus feels good, it looks like something might be starting to happen in there, the pregnancy test turned positive..... but what if it's some weird medical fluke. What if it's not a healthy pregnancy? What if things didn't/don't go right with implantation and I miscarry? I am so scared that this isn't going to happen. I have every reason to be happy and have high hopes and all I can think about right now is everything that has gone wrong in the past and everything that could go wrong.

And I HATE the fact that I have to wait. Waiting sucks! Monday seems forever away- and Wednesday seems even further! When all I was waiting for was my fertility appointment that was scheduled a week from tomorrow- that didn't seem all that far away! I was fine waiting for that- but this seems unbearable! I hate the unknown! Ugh!.... I know I just need to say a prayer and have faith that everything is going to fine. I know it will be- even if something does go wrong or this doesn't work out- I know I will be ok. It will hurt- but I will make it through. I just want so much to cry right now. Maybe I will ask Nathan for a blessing when he gets home from mutual. Hopefully I can get a decent night's rest tonight too.  *sigh

it's all so clear now....

So, before I got the shock of my life the other day, I honestly didn't think I was pregnant so I wasn't identifying things as pregnancy symptoms- and now that I know I am seeing the signs all over the place! I don't know if I'm like hyper-aware of things that are happening with my body now or if my brain is just making me think I have symptoms. Nathan believes it to be more of the latter, but he's still skeptical about the whole pregnancy thing until it is confirmed by a doctor.

Anyway, here are some of the symptoms that I have been experiencing the last couple days.

Sore boobs. This is pretty much constant- and I noticed it long before I took the pregnancy test. I have been wearing sports bras a lot- no under wire please! Also- my boobs feel heavy and HUGE. I guess I should get used to that though; from what I have read that feeling is going to be with me for a while.

Bloated and "gassy?" I've got all kinds of sensations going on in my lower abdomen, it's totally weird. I think the best way I could describe it would be a very mild menstrual cramp mixed with the intestinal movement that usually follows a meal from Panda Express....there is just a lot of feelings going on below the belly button. Plus I feel puffy and bloated in my tummy area, much like I would around my period.

Heartburn! Not long after I eat the heart burn kicks in and sometimes randomly throughout the day and night. It's not bad or anything, just enough to be kind of annoying.

I'm so tired! I may be implementing a mid-day nap into my schedule. Lately I am less worried about the next time I get to eat and more worried about the next opportunity I am going to have to lay down!

Gurgly...That is the best word I can use to describe it. It's not morning sickness or nausea...my tummy just feels gurgly and kinda gassy. I don't feel like I am going to throw up or anything yet, but it's definitely unsettled.

also...

I have to pee! I am going potty waaaay more often than usual, but I am also trying to consciously drink more water.  We went and did north side deliveries last night and I peed before we left, then I had to pee again when we got to one of the store, and then I had to pee again when we got home!


So, that's the extent of my pregnancy symptoms so far. Maybe it's a little TMI- but look, I'm just gonna be real. I have crazy desire to want to document like every step of this pregnancy, which may be kind of weird but I just feel like I should do it.

I really can't complain symptoms- they aren't bad right now. Even when I feel they are mildly annoying I can't help but remember what a miracle it is that I am even pregnant at all. I just think about how long I have waited for this and symptoms become of a blessing than a burden.

In other news...

I called Dr. Tutt's office yesterday to make my first pre-natal appointment. The lady that answered the phone said that he usually likes to see patients between the 8th and 12th week, and got me scheduled for November 18th. However, since I have a fertility appointment scheduled with Dr. Behara, and I want to be certain that I really am pregnant before I cancel it I left a message with Dr. Tutt's nurse explain my predicament. She called me back and told me that they could get me in this week for an ultra sound and blood work! So, I actually have my first pre-natal visit TOMORROW! I am really excited- a little nervous- but mostly excited. Nathan is going to try to get off work early so he can be there too.


I have downloaded a couple of pregnancy apps on my phone. I have the "My Pregnancy" app from Baby Center and the "What to Expect: Pregnancy" app. I like them both- they both have good information on a daily and weekly basis about what is going on inside me. And the "What to Expect" app has great message boards! The default board that they always show is for everyone whose estimated due date is in the same month as yours. I love reading all the excitement and concerns of women that are at roughly the same stage in their pregnancy as me. I will probably make good use of these message boards because, honestly, the more I think about being pregnant the more I feel a bit terrified! Knowing things about pregnancy and than realizing that you actually are pregnant and all those things you "know" are going to be happening to you is crazy and a bit scary sometimes. There are so many changes and unknowns! I am really hoping that after I get a "Yeah, you are for sure pregnant," from the doctor, that Nathan will be a little more open and involved in the whole process, because I have a feeling I am going need to some major support!

holy bananas.....

Let me start by saying I am completely in shock right now. I was expecting my period Friday and it didn't come so I figured I would buy a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease- so while we were at Home Depot I had Nathan swing over to the dollar store. They had ovulation tests, drug tests, uti tests, and menopause tests- but no pregnancy tests. (btw- what the heck is a menopause test for??) So I had to go up to little Walmart and pay $7 for a two pack! Seems like a lot of money for a test that is probably going to be negative anyway. So I came home and peed on one of the sticks- I sat there like I usually and watched it percolate and thought to myself, "Hmm, look at that you can kinda see where the line would be if I were pregnant...." and literally seconds later that faint blue line became a very distinct solid blue line-even before the  line in the control window showed up. HOLY CRAP! I'M PREGNANT! At least that is what the pee stick said.

You're probably wondering in what adorable, well thought out way I told my husband. Well, here's the story- I marched myself into the office where Nathan was working on some invoicing and put it right in front of his face.  What can I say- I was absolutely freaking out! My mind wasn't thinking about how to make a cutesy announcement. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests in our 3 1/2 years of marriage and they have all come out negative and resulted in a sob fest for yours truly. All I could to think to do was hold the test out for him to look at. How did he react? "So I am guessing you are gonna want to make a doctors appointment tomorrow?"

 So, I have pretty much been sitting on the office floor freaking out ever since- and drinking water so I can take more pregnancy tests just to make sure. And in case you were wondering, yes, I cried.  I guess this explains why my boobs have been so dang sore and my minor queasiness the fast few days. My boobs always hurt around my period though, so I didn't think anything of it. Holy moly- I still just can't believe this.... I have wanted this for so long! Ack! Ok- I will write more later after more pee tests.


A few hours later....

I think the initial shock has worn off now. It's still hard to believe. I took the second test and it was positive just as fast as the first one. We went to do some pottery deliveries and I brought my "Pregnancy Week by Week" book to look over. I guess I will be calling Dr. Tutt's office tomorrow to make an appointment. I want to make sure this pregnancy is legit before I call up Dr. Behara's office and cancel my appointment with her- I have been waiting way to long for that appointment to just call up and cancel if by some fluke I got 2 false positives.

It's still hard to really wrap my head around the thought of....all of it! I have been through so many periods that had way more symptoms of pregnancy- I honest to God didn't think I was pregnant at all. I was just blissfully looking forward to getting answers from a fertility doctor in a couple weeks.

Guess what my charming husband said? "Well, so much for you losing weight." I was like- "Gee, thanks for reminding me that I going to get fat...well, fatTER!" Goodness, he always knows just what to say! Hahaha

Wow, I can't believe I am finally writing this blog. This is craziness! According to the due date calculator on babycenter.com I should be due at the end of June next year. The website informed me "Right now you're about 4 weeks pregnant and your baby is the size of a poppy seed." How interesting. It also told me that if I want to wait until the riskiest part of my pregnancy is over- the date to announce my pregnancy is December 28th.... yeah, I think I am going to make the announcement a few days before that! A Christmas baby announcement?! I've always hoped that I could share the news around a family-centric holiday like Christmas! Now I just need to think of an adorable way to tell our family (Since I shared it so un-adorably with my husband!)

Well, I guess I will be posting on here more often now! Hopefully I will have more news soon!

meet paisley!!

Our new neice came and we are so excited! This is the first baby that's been born into the family since I was officially diagnosed with an infertility issue, so I wasn't sure how I would feel about- but I believe that God's timing is perfect. If she had come a couple weeks earlier, I probably wouldn't have even gone to the hospital to see her because I would be too busy slitting my wrists out of absolute hopelessness and despair (I had quite a rough patch there last month.)

 

 

 

But baby Paisley's arrival actually fell at a great time and I was genuinely excited to meet her and hold a little baby in my arms even if it's not my own.

 

So without further aduie, I introduce to you my newest little niece- Paisley May Lunt!

 

 

She was born on October 3rd at 8:44 p.m.

8 lbs 12.7 oz and 21" long

 

She looks quite a bit like Marley except with she got the Lunts' darker hair and skin. She's a cutie!

 

Here is a picture of Marley checking out her new baby sister. She was not impressed upon their firtst meeting, but as she was going to leave she waved good-bye all cute and blew Paisley some kisses. Adorable!

 

 

Mema holding her newest grandbaby:

 

 

Me, holding the little bundle of Joy!

 

 

And Uncle Nathan!

It's always precious to watch Nathan hold babies. I think he's kinda unsure what to do with them when they are this size. He's more a fan of the toddler age when they can run around and play, but before they get sassy!

I think he'll fall in love once we have a baby of our own though.

 

 

 

Here are a couple other shots I snapped while Virginia was holding her.  She was making so many cute faces- she looked so happy! I almost died from cuteness!

 

 

 

It's a good thing this little one looks so much like her mama or else I might try and steal her and pass her off as my own!

 

In other baby news, our appointment with Dr. Behara got moved up a week because she had to schedule a surgery the day of our original appointment. So that's great news! A little less of a wait!

 

AND

 

When we got home from visiting the baby at the hospital I peed on a stick and found out I had started ovulating! Yay! I am crossing my fingers that being around that little baby will kick start some hormones or some chemical reaction in my brain or body or whatever and get my preggers! I am keeping my fingers crossed! Wouldn't it be lovely if I had that wonderful reason to cancel my fertility appointment?

 

That's all for now- I will post in couple weeks and let ya know if I am knocked up or not. :)

 

the next step...

So after I pulled myself out of my no-baby funk- I called up Dr. Tutt's office to have him write a new prescription for Clomid and started round #4. Then a couple days later I called to make an appointment with the fertility doctors that Nathan's co-worker recomended to us. It took a couple days to get a call back, but we finally were able to make an appointment to see Dr. Millie Behara... in November! Ugh. I am excited to be moving forward and to get some answers but as has been my experience in just about every other aspect of my infertility- I just have to wait...and wait...and wait.  In the mean time Nathan and I have both filled out all our new patient paperwork and we are crossing our fingers that there will be a cancelation so we can get in sooner. OR that this round of Clomid actually does something and that I wind up getting preggers before our appointment rolls around.

We have started thinking about how we are going to pay for all the testing and fertility treatments and possible adoptions that may be in our future- since we don't fell comfortable financing- and we decided to start a fund raising blog, selling my crafts and stuff. All the procedes from things sold off the blog will go to our "Baby Fund. You can check out the blog here.

As for what's going on here and now- this morning I started my ovulation testing for this dose of Clomid. I don't think I ever mentioned this on my last cycle but I have fallen in love with the Clearblue digital ovulation tests. So much easier than the traditional tests. There are no faint or blurry lines to try and decipher- it's either an empty circle or a smiley face- period. No partial faces- the circle is either empty or it's not! Crystal clear and fantastic! I was able to buy 30 tests for like $35! That should last me like 3 months. Fantastic! ....I think only people that have the need to pee on a stick multiple times a months can truly appreciate this technology.

Oh! And we are supposed to be getting a new niece tomorrow! Our sister-in-law, Sarah, is being induced at some point on Wednesday- so that's exciting! I will probably post some pictures this weekend. Until then- I will be thinking positive!

barely breathing

Well I am officially NOT pregnant, once again. I am laying in bed writing this on my iPhone- absolutely devastated. Ever since I got my period yesterday I have been crying randomly and experiencing a whole roller coaster of emotions. I just don't understand… I don't understand why my body won't do what it was designed to do. I don't understand why I can't experience like the main thing we were put on this earth experience. And I am angry. I am angry at my body for betraying me. I am angry that I am surrounded by reminders everywhere of what I want so desperately and can't have. I am heart broken....like literally- I can feel my heart ripping in half inside my chest. All I want to do is curl up in bed for like ever! I don't want to be around people, I don't want to do anything-- I feel helpless and hopeless.

Nathan was talking to a friend at work who also is experiencing fertility issues and they gave us a reference to a fertility doctor that for sure take our insurance- so I guess that's going to be our next step. Well that is if Dr. Tutt won't refill my Clomid without an appointment.

I guess I should try to sleep. More later.

waiting...

It's been a while since I have posted- I've had a bunch of crazy junk going on in my life and just haven't gotten around to it.  I've thought about it at least a dozen times, I just never got around to doing it. So here are a couple things that have happened:

-As of June 29th I no longer have a full time job. It's a long story that I don't want to get into a the moment- but I can tell you one thing- it is absolutely for the best. I honestly couldn't be happier- my stress levels are way down for the most part. My former employer has dragged me through some ridiculous unemployment battling which has been frustrating but it has shown me their true colors and I am so happy not to be affiliated with anymore. I am kinda ashamed that I work for someone who behaves in the manner that they do. ANYWAY- like I said, my stress is way down now, so perhaps that might help with the fertility issues.

-I intentionally missed one month of Clomid and then accidentally missed a second month because I forgot to refill the prescription on time. Both months were surprisingly normal cycle wise- a little longer than normal but not too bad. In August I took my last prescribed month of Clomid- we gave it good try and now I am just waiting and waiting for what seems like forever. I should be able to take a pregnancy test in a day or two.

Of course I am doing what I always do- convincing myself that I am pregnant and then talking myself out of it. This time my symptoms are fatigue, weird new sensations in my lower abdomen, and mild breast tenderness.

Nathan pointed out the other day that if I am pregnant, we could announce it to the family at Christmas- and I was like- yeah, don't think that I haven't already thought of that! I think that would be so fun. Anyway- I have many other things to do, so that's all for now. I will post again in a day or so.

best website!

I love it when I find information on the internet, regarding infertility, that is actually comforting! Thanks to Pinterest, I stumbled across this great site- and thought I would share a couple articles from it.

The first one was a comfort to me- because I often feel like an insane psycho freak:

10 reasons Why "Obsessed" is Normal

Feeling A Bit Obsessed With Having a Baby?
Welcome to the club!

Your dreams of motherhood may go back as far as you can recall. It was never a question of "if" you were going to have a baby, but rather "when." You may have felt  great pride for being responsible and doing it all just right:  school, marriage, and a career. You and your husband chose a home with a spare room, perfect for a nursery, decorated in a palette of soft colors.

What happens when trying to conceive becomes a roller coaster filled with great hope and excitement only to be followed by increasing disappointment &despair?

You are ready to take action but what no one tells you is that infertility can bombard your thoughts, your time, your body and your emotions. If you are feeling obsessed, you are not alone! Join the club!

Here are 10 reasons why feeling obsessed is normal!

1.There are those daily, inescapable reminders of a very fertile world.  Around every corner lurks a pregnant woman, a cooing infant, or an adorable onesie!  (You can run but you cannot hide.)
2. For half of every month you are hoping to be pregnant so you carefully monitor what you eat, what you drink, and what medicine you can take. (No hot tub for you!)
3. Instead of escaping into mindless novels about love, travel and friendship, you find yourself scouring the internet, educating yourself about the causes and treatment of your infertility. (Not exactly Jodi Picoult's latest best seller.)
4. Your whole life has been separated into 2 week anxiety producing segments of waiting, watching and wondering. Am I ovulating? Am I PMSing? Am I pregnant? ("Am I going crazy?")
5. Before trying to conceive you may have been fairly oblivious to your monthly bodily functions, but you are now scrutinizing every twinge and secretion. (Do you recall the days when going to the bathroom just meant going to the bathroom?)
6. Playful and intimate moments with your husband have been replaced by carefully timed, "on demand" encounters. ("I don't care if you do have pneumonia, get over here!")
7. Your head is spinning as you try to schedule infertility tests and procedures around your work and home life, all the while, you're desperately hoping to maintain a tiny bit of privacy. ("I need time off work again because now my other great-grandmother died.")
8. Your mind is always racing one step ahead! What is our next option if this treatment fails?  (When you got married you never thought to include infertility treatments into your budget along side your mortgage and electricity bill.)
9. Your two closest friends have just announced that they are pregnant with their second babies. (You have most likely run out of kind and appropriate responses to the ever present question, "So, when are you going to start your family?")
10. Finally, the thought of never being a mother and going through life childless brings you unbearable and inescapable fear and grief.

So you're feeling a bit obsessed and overly focused?
Of course you are! Because you're NORMAL!  Hear me:  really, really normal.

For most of us, becoming a mother feels like a need as fundamental as breathing and eating. Even your critics would certainly feel a bit "obsessed" about air and food if it was withheld from them.

So, obsess away! (I promise you, I sure did.)


The second little article is something that I wish I could just hand out to everyone in my life. There are dozens of articles out there- advising people on what NOT to say- but honestly, for me- people saying things that unhelpful or that temporarily hurt my feelings isn't such a huge deal. I wish there were more article out there, like this one- advising people what they SHOULD say and do.

How to preface

If the woman you care for had lost someone through death, it would be understandable that she would have moments of weeping in despair.  In that loss she would be surrounded by those who would hold her and comfort her in her grief. As an infertile woman, her losses are often not understood or acknowledged in the same way.
Because they don't "get it," her friends do not account for her infertility in their words and actions. The place where she once felt most herself, in that circle of trusted female friends, has gone from being a place of refuge to a place of pain.

How can you help?

Be with her. Hear her. Walk beside her. Preface your conversations with check-in phrases.
These might include:

• "Do you want to talk about it?"
• "What do you need from me right now?"
• "Is there anything I can do?" 
• "Do you want company or to be alone?"
• "Is there anything practical you need, like something to eat?" 

There's power in prefaces!

If you are respectful of the one you want to help, it shows you are ready to walk beside this person and her process rather than try to bowl her over with your thoughts.


 Here's a little more info that I pulled off a pdf from the same website entitled "Understanding Her, A Quick-start Guide"


She might be your sister, your daughter, your friend.
She is grieving. If she had experienced the death of a
parent or spouse or child the pain would be understood.
Often, her pain isn’t even acknowledged.




WHAT YOU CAN DO:

• Protect her from painful words and situations.
• Help her find life & health through exercise, meditation, etc.
• Don’t try to change her feelings or perspective.
• Don’t offer simplistic advice or false reassurances.
• Say “Tell me more...” (and mean it.)
• Prefaces: “Do you want to talk about it?”
• If in doubt, ask her: “What would help?”
• Practical support: appointments, meals, cards.
• Help her pre-plan important dates/results.
• Be aware of her vulnerability being around/talking about children.
• Acknowledge her grief after losses.
• Consider all of the ways she can feel safe, loved, and supported.

information

As I have been going through all this, I keep finding myself wanting information. I want to know why this is happening to me and what I can do about it. Unfortunately, because there are many different causes of infertility, I need to get the "why" answers from a doctor- and until I know "why" it's pretty hard to research exactly what to do to improve my situation.

I was randomly searching on Amazon today for free books for my Kindle app and decided to see what was available on Kindle regarding fertility. There were some books that I recognized from other research (but they weren't free!) and then some other really bizarre ones! Honestly, it's really frightening to me how much false and misleading information there is out there on this topic. And I am sure there are people there, desperate to conceive that just take it all in. My thought is- if it was a fool proof solution- there would be a lot more information about it.  While I believe that diet/nutrition, fitness, and faith are all huge contributors to boosting fertility- I do not believe that there is a baby making diet, or exercise routine- or that I can pray or meditate a baby into my belly.

So- what I am most looking forward to in the coming months- either getting pregnant (the preferred option) OR going back to the doctor to get some more in depth answers and advice. Heaven knows that as soon as I know exactly what's going on- I'll be all over getting information and advice to treat it.

jumbled

It's really hard to explain how I have been feeling lately. It's strange how infertility thoughts have just flooded my mind since I got an official diagnosis. I cannot go a single day without thinking about it or being reminded of it in some way. It's always floating around in head and it's really depressing. Some days are good I can look at our situation with hope and with faith and I can discuss it rationally- other days I feel broken and defective.

Yesterday I had a lovely 3 HOUR breakfast with my two sisters in law, Sarah and Amy. I figured kids and pregnancy would be brought up at some point- Marvin and Sarah have one little girl with another on the way, and Amy and Robert have 4 kids- its no secret that everyone on the Lunt side are anxious for Nathan and I to add another cousin to the ranks. Also I kinda assumed my little breakdown from our family camping trip might be mentioned. Naturally my assumptions were correct. I had said at some point during the meal that Nathan and I had figured out that if we got pregnant sometime in the next year that our kid would be starting school the same year that Amy's son, Garrett, would be starting his senior year. So later on Amy referred back to that statement asking "So are you guys gonna try for this year?"

At that point I had a decision to make- I could just say something like "Yeah, maybe" or "We're thinking about it" but I had talked Nathan a few days before about how I didn't want to lie about it anymore. I told him that I didn't think we needed to announce it on our blog or discuss it over fourth Sunday family dinner-- but if someone asked me directly that I was just going to be straight with them.

Nervously, I hesitated for a moment and then I said "We've actually been trying for a while now... Like a year/ year and a half." They had both kinda figured it out after what happened while we were camping, and because I had mentioned being on medicine that made me act hormonal crazy, and Amy had noticed my infertility pin board on pinterest. I explained to them the diagnosis and what we are doing and what some other options will be if it doesn't work. I cried a little bit but mostly was able to keep it together. One thing that I thought was a little funny- Amy thought that since Nathan had always talked about how much he didn't like kids, that he was keeping from having babies. I assured her that was not the case. I let them know that Nathan has been really supportive and that I have felt closer to him in the past few months than ever before.

I'm not sure that I have mentioned that much on this blog- I usually just write when I need to vent- I don't post too much of the happier stuff- indeed to get better about that. Nathan really has been amazing through all this. Especially considering that I knew that he wasn't really excited about having kids when we first got married. He seems to understand me better than anyone else. He is often surprisingly compassionate and is always there as a shoulder to cry on. I really couldn't ask for anything more in a husband. He's the greatest. He has had so much patience with me- I'm so thankful to have him in my life.

Yesterday was Father's Day and I had a lot tougher time with it than I thought I would. I thought I would be fine going to church- but all the talks mentioning the privileges of parenthood and people talking about how great their dads are made me gloomy. I still thought I would make it through ok until the adorable little baby sitting in front of us yawned a huge baby yawn that made Nathan chuckle. I looked at him and he just said "Big yawn" with a smile on his face and for some reason tears just started pouring down my face. I had all these horrible thoughts pour through my mind and felt awful that I might not be able to give him a sweet little baby with big adorable yawns. I love seeing his face light up when we are little ones that do cute things- I know that one day he'll be a great daddy, one way or another. I just couldn't handle all my emotions during sacrament meeting.

Nathan just put his arm around me and pulled me close to him and just let me cry. He took me home after sacrament meeting so I could pull myself together and then went back for priest quorum. As we were driving home he asked if the newborn baby in front of us was making me sad and I just replied with a simple no. What he asked next surprised me- "Did you want to hold him? You should have asked to hold him." I did want to hold the little baby- so bad. Which is weird for me- lately I don't want much to do with kids, especially babies. But I am pretty sure the baby's mom, who is a complete stranger, would think I was an absolute weirdo and decline my request. I just has this crazy intense longing to hold an infant in my arms at that moment.

I was then in a weird mood for the rest the day. I don't want to say depressed because it wasn't really depression... I was just...off. Today I have almost cried a couple times for no reason. I have never been a big crier- so the past year has been strange because I have been crying A LOT.

Anyway... That's all for now.

food baby

I ate WAY too much salad! My tummy is filled with vegetables... Not babies....

But that's ok. Today is the first day I am really startin to feel like myself again. I will happily have a salad baby if it means getting me a real baby one day.

funk

So I am stuck in this funk that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I know everything will be fine and I know I am fine... I just feel broken right now.

omg, i'm a mess....

Ok, here's the surprise of the century (not...)

Yes, as I initially anticipated, I am still not pregnant. This test wasn't a shocker- it didn't make me cry. I totally expected this result. I mean, yeah, it's always disappointing, but my hopes weren't up too high, and I was ok with things.

Quick side note: I forgot how absolutely fantastic the clear blue digital pregnancy tests are! I am really going to consider getting the digital ovulation tests. I like the results clearly spelled out for me, rather than interpreting the lines.

Ok, back to the story- I had taken this test first thing in the morning on Friday, right before I drove Nathan to work. I came home, saw the results, shrugged it off, and started packing for camping. I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend up in the pines with the Lunt side of the family. And for the most part that's what it was. We were having a wonderful time hanging out, playing games, hiking, just enjoying each other's company and things were going just great until my uterus once again decided to mess things up. My period showed up a little sooner than I expected on Saturday afternoon. At dinner on Saturday night, I asked Virginia if I could have a couple of her Aleve after dinner. Amy asked if I still had a headache from the night before, and I said, "No, the headache is gone. Now it's just cramps." Little did I know, this simple phrase would through me into my biggest infertility break down thus far. This is what I remember from the moments after my declaration of cramps....

Robert said, "Well, Nathan, it looks like you failed this month. Better try again next month..." followed by some other babbling that I tuned out since I was now trying not to cry. Marvin made some comments about how it's our turn, and we need to be the ones chasing our kids around the campsite (like he and Sarah had been doing all weekend.) Someone asked when we were going to have kids or something, or maybe Nathan just decided to chime in on his own- I don't know, I was just trying really hard to keep it together, but Nathan said "We will have kids when are ready." Other people said some other stuff, and Nathan said again "When we are both ready to have kids we will have kids." I knew I was going to lose it soon so I nudged Nathan and said, "Please, stop saying that." I drives me crazy when he use the excuse that we will have kids when we are ready because we have been ready for a while now. I am so beyond ready for it to happen that it's not even funny. Then Nathan's mom said something along the lines of "Well if we went by what you told us before the baby would have been here by now!" And there it was- the straw that broke the camel's back.

I held it together for like maybe two more minutes after that and then had to excuse myself from the dinner table. I went to the tent and just started bawling. Nathan came in a few minutes later and just sat down next to me on the air mattress and held me and let me cry for little while. He asked me if it was something that he had said that made me cry, and I told him no. It wasn't necessarily anything that one person said, and I really couldn't be too upset with any of them, because we haven't shared this part of our life with them thus far. I was just overwhelmed by the reminders from everyone of how procreationally challenged I seem to be. As if my uterus trying to claw it's way out of my body wasn't reminder enough at the time. I can't even explain the exact emotion behind it all... I guess the closest thing I can think of, is just total heartbreak. I didn't want to leave the tent, I just wanted to stay there and cry all night long- even now thinking about it all, I just want to cry. I knew I had to pull it together, and put on a brave face and go back out for some more family togetherness.

Nathan stayed in the tent with me while I calmed down and waited for the redness to leave my eyes. He told me that after I left the table that his mom asked if I had been having a hard time getting pregnant. He told her no. Which kind of made me want to cry even more. I told him that part of me just wants to tell everyone- but how do you bring something like that up? And who do you tell? Everyone? Just the girls? Just his parents? Then he mentioned that his mom was going to be mad at him for lying to her which just stressed me out even more.

Anyway, we came out of the tent and Virginia apologized if something she said made me cry and that she didn't mean to and she said that Nathan said that we weren't having a hard time getting pregnant, but that she knows that sometimes men are clueless. I just told her that I was fine and tried not to cry more. The next couple hours it just took everything I had not to start crying again.

I wish I could say that that there wasn't anymore talk about us having kids or getting pregnant the rest of the trip, but there was. I handled it better than I did at dinner though. I really need to develop a thicker skin if we aren't going to be telling people about our infertility struggles.

I keep going back and forth in my head deciding whether or not to be more public about the whole thing- so I did what I usually do when I have a question....I googled it!

I read a whole bunch of forum posts about it and it was pretty evenly split between people who shared their struggles with family, people who didn't, and people who did that wished that they hadn't. So, basically, it was no help. I think we are going to continue to just work through it together. I don't want to have to explain my fertility treatments to everyone. I don't want to explain all the causes. And I don't want them to get their hopes up either. Who knows which fertility treatments, if any, are going to work. I'd much rather dance around the question of when then juggle the which, what, why, how questions.

Anyway, my brain has just been a jumbled mess since dinner last night. I cried and prayed myself to sleep last night. I cry and pray because that's all I really can do. This is something that I can't control and it drives me absolutely crazy! I just want to find a fix for it, and be normal and make babies like everyone else in the family!

Here are some pins from my infertility board on pinterest that may give you a better idea of where I am at mentall and emotionally right now, at this moment:

To conclude this post- I have an announcement- I am skipping my next round of Clomid. I am going to go one cycle without it and I going to focus on the one thing that I can control about my body. My weight. I also want to say, that I really do not think that this is a contributing factor in my infertility- though it often is in a lot of cases. I have really been thinking back through my life and I have never had a regular cycle- which means it's quite possible that I have had ovulation problems all along. Also, my periods have always been pretty short, and relatively light- I'm not typically a heavy bleeder- which makes me wonder if my uterine lining is even thick enough or whatever for implantation (a question that I am going to bring up with my OBGYN on my next appointment.) But anyway- for my own sanity I need to feel in control of my body for a while, and I don't want to be dieting and exercising like crazy while trying to conceive. I don't think that's a healthy idea for a baby. So I've talked to Nathan about it, and decided that I am going one cycle without the Clomid, trying to lose 10-15 lbs and then start it up again after my next period. And yes, the way my body works, it may be 2 to 3 months before my next cycle, but I have decided that I am ok with that.

So....that's where I am at with things right now.

cravings

So I'm once again playing the waiting game and wondering...It's still a couple more days before I can take a pregnancy test. We got in a pretty good try this month, despite our vacation taking up one of my peak fertility days.  However, I don't think I'm knocked up. BUT....I won't know for sure until a pee stick tells me I am or I start bleeding.

Signs that I might be: my boobs hurt like crazy bad! This is also of a premenstrual symptom for me though- so- I cannot read too much into it. I felt a little queezy the past the couple days- but there is a bit of stomach bug going around my office, so I'm not convinced that it has anything to do with pregnancy. And finally- I have been experiencing the weirdest, most intense cravings lately! This is the only symptom that I cannot explain. The other day I had the strongest craving for a tuna fish salad sandwich. If you know me at all- you know I HATE fish- especially tuna. I used to eat it as a small child, but literally cannot even begin to guess at the last time I ate it. I used to make my sisters make their tuna sandwiches out in the garage because the smell makes me gag- so obviously this craving caught me really off guard. And it wasn't like I was super hungry at the time either- it was at like 9:30 in the morning! Weird. Then the other night while we were laying in bed, watching TV, I got a really intense craving for Velveeta/Salsa dip and today, out of nowhere, I had a serious urge to like chug down some taco sauce. I didn't have a craving for a taco or any sort of Mexican food- just straight taco sauce.

So yeah, that's been a little weird...but honestly, I still don't think that I am pregnant. I didn't have any implantation bleeding or any sort of cramping or sensation in my uterus. I haven't really had any real nausea or thrown up. I'm pretty certain that when I take the pregnancy test before we leave for camping on Friday that it's gonna be negative. My hopes aren't really up at all this time around...maybe I am just more resigned and cynical this time around.

On a more hopeful note- I have started going to the gym with my mom in the mornings- in an honest effort to really lose some weight and get fit- since I know that weight can significantly contribute to infertility. And I am willing to anything I need to do to have child. So if I need to wake up at 5:30 every morning and eat salads for lunch- I'll do it in a heartbeat!

aren't you supposed to be a doctor?

So, I went to the doctor yesterday- super irritated; I hate paying $25 for an office visit when I already know what's wrong with me. Why can't they just call in an antibiotic for a UTI over the phone?! Ugh. Anyway, so after they had me pee in the cup, which confirmed my diagnosis,  the doctor...well, "physician's assistant," started asking me questions to decide which antibiotic to me on.

P.A.: So what birth control are you on?....What are you doing to prevent pregnancy?
In my head: Um, I know what birth control means....
Me: Nothing, I have actually been trying to get pregnant for quite a while now. I am on Clomid.

P.A.: Oh, so was your last period normal? When was it?
Me, trying to remember what day it was: Yeah, it was normal. I think like 11 or 12 days ago.

P.A.: So you could be pregnant right now then?
Me: No, I don't think so- based on my previous cycle, I am not due to ovulate for til Thursday or Friday.

P.A. with a huge smile on her face: I am going to run a pregnancy test anyway. UTI are very common in the first trimester.
In my head: Aren't you supposed to be a doctor? I mean, I know you aren't a "doctor" doctor, but you have had enough medical training to see and diagnose patients....I just told you my last period was normal. I told you I was due to ovulate yet. AND I told you the start of my period was only 11-12 days ago. Even if I had conceived in the past few days- it would be way too early to show up on a pee test! Moron.

5 minutes later...

P.A.: Well, the pregnancy test back negative...
In my head: Duh.
P.A.: ...I faxed your prescription for your UTI to your pharmacy, you should be able to pick up in an hour or so.
Me: Ok. Thanks.
In my head: Thanks for nothing! You didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know!

Next time I schedule an appointment with my primary care physician, I will make double sure it's not with this P.A.- she will now forever irritate me.

clomid round two *ding!

A scene from the bedroom of Tarin and Nathan sometime last week...

Tarin: I am going to go to bathroom...
-Tarin goes into the bathroom, shuts the door. Nathan hears rustling and bustling coming from the bathroom.
Nathan: What are you doing in there?
-Silence.
Nathan: Tarin? What are you doing?
Tarin: ...Taking a pregnancy test.
Nathan: No.
Tarin: Too late, I'm already doing it.
Nathan: Don't do it- you are just going to cry.
Tarin: I am not going to cry- I just want to know.
-The tests comes up negative. Tarin gets back in bed and watches tv with Nathan until he falls asleep. Tarin cries to herself as quietly possible- doesn't want Nathan to know he was right.


I did eventually tell him he was right, and that I had cried. And my period showed up a day or so later- which is good because I was beginning to get really confused. I didn't understand how I could have ovulated but had a negative pregnancy test and no period. I googled it, which was a bad thing to do, because I found a post from someone who said they always had all the signs of ovulation, but never actually ovulated, so her period wouldn't come. I just don't think I could handle that!

But anyway, menstruation has come and gone and I am on to round two of the Clomid. I am taking it in the evenings this time, to see if that helps to keep the side effects under control- a couple of posts I read online said it helped other people not be so crazy...We shall see!

Now it's time for Good News/Bad News!

Bad news first, so we can end on a happy note. Bad news: It looks as if my peak fertility days are going to happen while we are in California with Nathan's siblings for our Six Flags trip! Naturally, we are going to be sharing a hotel room....Boooooooooo! We'll still probably try before we leave and right after we get back. If not, there is always June! I have one more refill on my Clomid after this one- then I guess I have to go see my doctor again.

Good news: Marvin and Sarah had their gender ultrasound yesterday- They are having another little girl! That will be so fun for Marley. Sisters are the best! They are going to name her Paisley- no word on a middle name yet. She's due October 10th! Woohoo!

baby brain

Kinda creepy looking- but this is TOTALLY how I feel these days. My baby brain seems be getting worse and worse and worse. It's all I can think about! Evidence of this: the number of posts on this blog vs. the number of posts on my public blog...

 I did finally ovulate- so there is a possibility that I could be pregnant- right now. In fact, I could take a test that would tell me for sure one way or the other- but I can't bring myself to do it yet. If I am not pregnant- my period should up any day now- so I will probably give it until Friday and if there have been no signs of aunt flow- I'll buy a test.

I think that knowing that I have ovulated, and knowing that pregnancy is actually a possibility now, just makes the baby brain even worse. I really have been trying not to get my hopes up, but honestly, I have reached a point where I feel like I have to get my hopes up, because if I don't I feel completely hopeless. So the past week or so, I have been going back and forth from being super hopeful and absolutely hopeless.

When I am on a hopeful kick- I daydream about how I will break the news to Nathan, how we will tell the family, possible due date, what we will do if we have twins (since multiple births is a "side effect" of Clomid,") transitioning the craft room to a nursery, baby names, maternity clothes, etc. etc.

Hopeless days... feeling like I want to cry all the time. Not wanting to be around any kids or babies or hear anyone talk about their kids or babies. Sitting in Relief Society yesterday, seemed like a strange new form of torture, listening to all the babies cooing and crying. The mere mention of motherhood made me feel like bursting into tears- which I finally just did- I took a much needed time-out in a bathroom stall and just bawled for a few minutes. And I just have to say, that Yes, I do realize that this makes me seem like an absolutely crazy, overly dramatic, hormonal weirdo- but honestly, so days are really a struggle. It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it... but it's like having your heart broken month after month- and after a while, it seems like the broken heart is never going to heal- that it's just going to hurt forever. And no one can see the pain and you hide the sadness the best you can-but it's there every second of every day. Depressing, right?!

So since I have good days and bad days, I keep going back and forth in my mind on whether or not these are pregnancy symptoms or just PMS. The days until my period is supposed arrive seem to crawl by. Actually, now that I think about it- this entire month has seemed to go by so slow. It's really difficult to have patience. Anyway- there will be another post by the end of the week whichever direction things happen to go. That's all I have to say for now.

118 weeks

Thanks to the "Ages and Stages" emails that I somehow accidentally signed up for the first time we "tried" (I think I was trying to figure out a due date, or some pregnancy time line) I now know that it's been 118 weeks since my first negative pregnancy test heart break. Thanks American Baby! .... oh, and I am on day 15 of my cycle and haven't ovulated yet. The Clomid may not be working. Inside my mind today sucks!! Ugh.

national infertility awareness week...

I was going to post this to our family blog this week, but Nathan doesn't think it's the right time to share with the family. I still wanted to post it somewhere...

Most of the time it's really hard for me to accept, let alone say out loud that I am dealing with infertility. It's truly heart wrenching to realize that I have moved beyond the "it can take a little time for some people to get pregnant" phase and into the scientific/medical intervention phase of having a child. Infertility sucks! It's not ease to talk about- and honestly I don't want to talk about it. And since I don't like talking about it, this is probably brand new news to about 99% of people who look at my blog. This blog post is actually a result of some pinterest browsing. I was having a hellish week, taking the fertility drug Clomid, so I typed it in to pinterest to see what came up and came across this little gem:

This is hilarious to me because it is oh so true. I discovered that I am an emotional wreck on these pills. I feel like punching just about everyone I come in contact with, I've noticed that things that would usually be a mild irritation now enrage me, I am apparently a huge pain in the butt to my husband, and I cry about 8 times a day over super lame things. But anyway- I noticed that this was pinned on a board called "Infertility" so I popped on over to check it out. On just this one board I found so many things that I could relate to, and of course I was on Clomid at the time, so it made me cry. I decided to do a search for pin-boards containing the word infertility and there were a TON of results. For the first time, I really realized that I wasn't the only one experiencing this pain. I always knew that there were other people struggling to get pregnant, and that infertility is an issue for women all over the world, but I never really felt any connection to those "other people." I had been feeling very alone through it all. So I guess what I am trying to say is, I coming out of the infertility closet hoping that if there is anyone who reads my blog who is, like me, dealing silently with this issue- that they can know that they aren't alone, and there are other people who know what it is like.

I know what it's like to be surrounded by friends and family that are getting pregnant, seemingly effortlessly- some on accident- without even really wanting it. I know what it's like to cry quietly to yourself in the bathroom after finding out someone you know is pregnant for second or third time, while all this time you've been praying to finally have your first. I know what it's like to get a stomach bug, or a craving, or to put on a few pounds and have people say "Are you pregnant?" "You are probably pregnant." "Maybe you're pregnant!" and knowing how absolutely unlikely it is.  I also know what it's like when someone says something like that, and to get this glimmer of hope in heart that maybe this time you are- just to have your heart broken when only one line shows up on the test...again! I know what it's like to think that you might be and secretly buy a pregnancy test without telling anyone, just to be all alone when the test comes back negative. I know what it's like to plan a super cute way to tell your family on a specific date or special occasion, just to watch that day come and go without any news to share. I know what it's like to plaster a smile on your face when you go to a baby shower or to visit a new mommy at the hospital while on the inside you feel like a piece of you is dying. I even know what it's like to buy baby bedding and nursery decor, just to have it sit in your closet for nearly two years. I know what it's like to feel like a complete failure as wife...as woman.  I've felt the hopelessness, the helplessness, the disappointment, and the resentment. It's not easy. It's always there. It's a pain that, at a certain point, you feel like you can't even escape anymore. I know what it's like, however, that doesn't mean I want to have a conversation with everyone in my life about it- I just want people to be aware.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week- a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and concerns of the infertility community. You can read more about it here: